Honor thy parents: Understanding the Fifth Commandment in context

Many parents feel entitled to being "honored" by their children. This is a common want amongst American parents. Most American parents feel deserving of "honor" and "respect". "Disrespecting" and "dishonoring" parents commonly leads to punishment in most American homes. The Fifth Commandment, contrary to popular belief, does not prohibit speaking against parents. Instead, honoring parents refers to honoring them in a certain specific way - taking care of them as they age. 

The Fifth Commandment is spelled out in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

And is repeated in Ephesians 6:2-3 KJV:

Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That is may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. 

The Greek root word translated "honour" in Eph. 6:2-3 is τιμαω (Lstin: timao) and refers here to being a caregiver to another person, namely an aging parent. The idea is to reward your parents for taking good care of you when you were little. However, this only works if your parents truly weren't abusive to you at all. A trauma survivor owes nothing to their parents if their parents were abusive. If your parents were entitled in any way, you have the right to shun them. The reason for this commandment, in both the Old Testament and the parish at Ephesus, was an epidemic of elder abuse and neglect in both contexts.

Most parents punish, or use punitive measures on, their children when they feel "dishonored" or "disrespected". In some American homes, children are punished solely when the parent feels "dishonored". However, any punitive measures coming from parents are prohibited in the Bible, including when parents feel "dishonored". See Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child when you feel "dishonored" by them. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your child, or even stop punishing your child altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just like hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt their feelings. In many cases, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my cool with you", and them commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin term roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this commandment was ultimately received by the parish at Colossae as prohibiting causing any offenses in children as perceived by the child. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

You do not need to honor dishonorable parents. You only need to give your parents forgiveness if they genuinely apologize to you. However, if your parents ever go back on their apology, you can go back on your forgiveness towards them. There is nothing in the contextual understanding of the Bible mandating forgiving and forgetting, even in the context of patenting/ Forgiveness of parents in the Bible is a form of legal forgiveness, meaning you acknowledge their apology.

I myself forgive my parents for abusing me. However, the only reason I forgive them is that they apologized to me. I now give back to my mother by buying her dinner at the restaurant, if at all possible. My parents bought into parental rights tripe when reading up on how to bring me up. My father was my main abuser growing up, with him using a "disciplinary spanking" done "out of love". I was spanked and I did not turn out okay. I am grateful for my parents' apology, but still hold the topic over them/ I also profile for entitled parents, and keep down my collective abuser on that front.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!