Defiance: Why never to use punitive measures on a defiant child

Many parents have been there. A child being defiant. This is a common experience amongst American parents. Most American parents think that a defiant child is out to get them. However, the fact of the matter is that children defy their parents because they cannot accept set limits. 

God's Law on dealing with defiance in children is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. The key here is to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. One thing that hurts children's feelings perhaps more than anything is when children cannot accept a set limit. In most cases, children express displeasure for limits by acting defiant towards parents. This defiance comes from lack of emotional self-control in children, meaning what is simply disappointing to us is catastrophic to them. The key to avoiding offense here is to be willing to give a meaningful apology for hurting your child's feelings with limits that they cannot accept. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-reference the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin term roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive measures on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this commandment ultimately was received by the parish at Colossae as prohibiting causing offenses in children as perceived by a child, at minimum. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Defiance is a byproduct of limited self-control in children. Most adults can handle the word "no", and that is due to mature emotional development. This form of emotional maturity comes on its own, meaning there is no need to force children to grow up. Children grow up pretty much on their own, with children ultimately learning non-entitlement by way of the Christian example of parents. Children absorb the example of parents at their own pace, meaning there is no reason to beat non-entitlement into children.

Non-entitlement in children should be the goal of every parent. However, non-entitlement should not be beat into children. Non-entitlement in children comes from a non-entitled Christian parents. All a parent has to do is model non-entitlement in children, and back up their example with praise and encouragement when they are caught in the act of being good. See Eph. 6:4. 

The staple punishment in the broader Greco-Roman world was spanking to the bare bottom with an open hand. However, the Early Christians, contrary to popular belief, were not well-integrated into Rome. The Early Christians instead lived in urban enclaves, shunning the outside Greco-Roman world, and the world at large.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger with punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplice! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and burning sulfur, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!