"Benign" deprivation: Why children need to hear the word "yes" more than the word "no"

Many parents subscribe to this false doctrine. Most parents support the concept of "benign" deprivation as a means to discipline a child. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. However, most parents need an attitude adjustment on this issue. Children need your "yes" far more often than your "no".

God's Law against "benign" deprivation is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. The key here is to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just like hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. One thing that hurts a child's feelings perhaps more than anything is telling a child "no" for most every little thing that they ask for. The idea is to give children most everything that they want, and absolutely everything that they need, with much overlap between the two. However, sometimes a parent needs to set a limit for safety's sake, meaning that safety is the only good reason to set a limit. Avoiding offense in children involves only saying "no" for safety's sake, and when you do have to set a limit, back it up with an apology for hurting your child's feelings with your set limits. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan customs of parenting, which were punitive in nature. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

The idea behind offense avoidance in parenting is to say "yes" to your child far more than saying "no" to a child. The key here is to give your child most everything that they want, and absolutely everything that they need. There is much overlap between benign wants and needs in children, meaning if your child wants something, try to make it work somehow. 

Sometimes, you do have to set a limit a child, which should only be the case when children are clearly acting in a danger to themselves or others. Even then, there are nicer ways to put it than an abrupt "no", such as "that won't work", "that isn't possible", or "that can't happen". 

A common place of contention in parenting is in the store. Usually, the child takes something off the shelf, and usually, the parent demands "put that back", and then a power struggle takes place that need not be. In the Early Church, mothers took their children with them them to market. Usually, the child wanted licorice from the candy stand, and every mother then knew to buy the licorice for the child. She asked for the candy paid for it, then handed back to the child for them to enjoy. Children usually don't ask for much, but when they do, they should pretty much always hear your "yes". In most cases, they are asking for a candy bar at the store. You can afford it. 

Some children do ask their parents for things that are clearly expensive, such as a new bicycle. That is when you as the parent start saving their pennies for that one thing that a child wants. Simply tell your child "I can't give that to you now. Wait until I save up enough money". If the child insists on the item with "right now" statements, reassure them of your good intent by giving an informal apology, assuming you didn't lose your cool in setting limits. If you did lose your cool in setting limits, a formal apology is in order. 

The only reason a parent should decline a petitioned request in full is if the request is something dangerous and thus can hurt them. Even then, you should gently break the news to them, and then apologize for hurting their feelings, lest if be officially an offense. Any anger at children was banned in the Early Church, with the Early Christians likening parent anger at children to a viper lashing out at its prey - maybe the child got some warning, but that's about it. The only acceptable reason to get angry as a parent is in the case of a sexually entitled interloper, or else when their child is being abused otherwise.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!