Honor parents: Understanding the Fifth Commandment in context

Many parents feel deserving of honor and respect. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents feel insistent on children "honoring" and "respecting" parents. However, the Fifth Commandment refers to a specific form of honoring parents - caring for them ss they age.

The Fifth Commandment is spelled out in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. 

And is repeated in Ephesians 6:2-3 KJV:

Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. 

The Greek root word translated "honour" in Eph. 6:2-3 is τιμαω (Latin: timao) and refers to being a caregiver to someone else, in this context your aging parents. The Fifth Commandment was originally given under the Law because Ancient Israel had an epidemic of elder abuse and neglect. The idea here is to give thanks to your parents for how they cared for you, and give them the same loving kindness that they gave you. However, this only works if your parents were loving and kind towards you as a child. If your parents were abusive to you, you have the right to shun your entitled parents.

Many parents feel entitled to children listening to them and honoring them. A common reason for punishing children is the parents feeling dishonored. In quite a few American homes, children are only punished for clear "dishonor" and "disrespect". However, the Bible prohibits all forms of punitive parenting, including when a child is "dishonoring" them. See Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child, including for "disrespect" or "dishonor". However, it is not enough to simply stop spanking your child, or even stop punishing them altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to losing your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandment, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin term roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this commandment was ultimately received by the parish at Colossae as prohibiting causing offenses in children as perceived by children, at minimum. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

It is a myth that the Bible says to obey parents blindly. The Greek root word translated as "obey" in Col. 3:20 and Eph. 6:1 is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and translates literally as "rest under", meaning children form a secure bond with their parents. This comes in the form of mutual askance, meaning children ask things of parents, and parents ask things of children. Usually, children did what was asked of them, but also had the right to ask things of parents. 

I myself forgive my parents for abusing me. But, you do not have to forgive your parents unless they give a meaningful apology, and if they go back on their apology, you can simply go back on your forgiveness. Even if you do choose to forgive your parents, you don't have to forget what they put you through. My parents abused me within the law, meaning that though I have made peace with them, I still hate the law that protected them. The core of my trauma comes from my father spanking me "out of love" in the form of a disciplinary spanking. My father thought it would hurt him more than it hurt me. He was wrong. It hurt me much more than it hurt him. I fought back when my parents punished me, ad debated my whole family on the issue of spanking and punitive parenting. My parents both leaned on parent lobby parenting literature, and so I blame the parent lobby for my trauma as a survivor of law-abiding parents. I do forgive my parents for abusing me, but I never will forget how I was treated as a child by them. 

Children need to learn respect. That is a given. However, the idea is to model respect for parents by way of parents bestowing respect onto children. The more you as a parent respect your child in your attitude towards them, the more they will learn to respect you. In a school setting, children who are bullies have bullies as parents.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!