Defiance: Why never to use punitive measures in dealing with defiance in children

Many parents have been there. A child acting defiant. Most American parents think that a defiant child is defiant because the child is trying to "undermine parental authority". However. children aren't out to get you. They just are developmentally unable to accept your limits. 

God's Law on dealing with defiance in children is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child when they are defiant. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your child, or else stop punishing your child altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. If you hurt someone else's feelings, you need to apologize. It works the same way when dealing with children. Perhaps what hurts children's feelings more than anything else is a parent setting a limit that the child cannot accept. They aren't out to get you. They simply cannot accept a set limit. Children have limited control over their emotions, and this is the case until age 8. This means that whatever is merely disappointing to an adult is earth-shattering for young children. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to apologize for hurting your children's feelings with your limits, ideally in the face of their defiance. In many cases, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent. in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feeling your anger, such as "I apologize for hurting your feelings with my temper", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards children is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with  the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin term roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. But, this commandment was ultimately received by the parish at Colossae as prohibiting causing offenses in children as perceived by a child, at minimum. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men. 

Defiance in children is a common and normal behavior in children. Most all children have their moments where they act in a defiant manner. This is not due to children seeking to "undermine parental role". They simply cannot accept set limits, in which case you should apologize straight to your child for hurting their feelings, ideally in the face of their defiance.

Young children have limited control over their emotions. This is the case until they turn 8. What is simply disappointing to adults si earth-shattering to young children. The key here is to apologize to your children whenever you hurt their feelings with your anger. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke your children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!