Defiance: Why never to punish your child for defiance

Many parents have been there. A child is acting defiant of the limits set by parents. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents punish their children for defiance. However, these parents need an attitude adjustment. Punitive measures in parenting is prohibited in the Bible. 

The Bible bans all punitive measures for defiant children in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child for defiance. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your defiant child, or even stop punishing them altogether for that reason. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. One thing that hurts a child's feelings is not being able to accept set limits. One way that children voice displeasure for set limits is by acting in a defiant manner. Children have limited self-control, meaning what is simply disappointing to parents is catastrophic to a child, in which case they lash out tearfully at parents. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings. In many cases, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, whenever children's feelings are hurt by limits not set our of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child alone is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Pau; here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin term roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive measures on children, such as spanking ot other forms of punishment of children. However, this commandment was ultimately received by the parish at Colossae as causing any offenses in children as perceived by a child, at minimum. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Some parents only punish their children for clear defiance. Most parents think that a defiant child is out to get them. However, most children act defiant when they cannot accept a set limit. This is due to lack of self-control. This lack of self-control is a normal form of childhood development. Most all children lack the self-control necessary to accept set limits. 

Whenever your child lashes out at you, the idea is to apologize righteously in the face of their defiance. In the case of parents not setting limits out of anger, an informal apology would be appropriate, However, if you ever hurt your child's feelings. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven!