Defiance: Why not to punish your defiant child

Many parents have been there. A child defying the limits of parents. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents punish their children for defying them. However, your child is not out to get you. Your child simply cannot accept a set limit.

God's Law on dealing with defiance in children is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your defiant child. However, it not enough to stop spanking your defiant child, or even stop punishing them altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. One way to avoid offense in children is to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings with your limits. One way that children voice displeasure for set limits is by being defiant. Whenever your child defies your limits, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology for hurting their feelings with your limits, lest it officially be an offense. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger. such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin term roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this commandment was ultimately received as prohibiting offending children as perceived by the child, at minimum. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings, Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Defiance is a normal behavior in children of all age groups. At some point, your child is going to defy your limits. The idea is to apologize to your child whenever you hurt their feelings with their limits. Usually, children will understand, and forgive your apology. If they don't forgive you. you traumatized them. 

Anger is not a valid motivation to be a parent. Most parents in the United States are motivated to be parents by an entitled backbone. However, most parenting in the Early Church was motivated by worry, not anger. Anger at a child alone was seen as entitlement in the Early Church, with parent anger at children being likeend then to a viper lashing out at a child - maybe the child was given some warning, but that was about it. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the eecond death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into ths abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!