"Benign" deprivation: Why children don't need to hear the word "no" from parents "frequent and often"

Many parents buy into it. Most American parents support the doctrine of "benign" deprivation. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents think that their child needs to hear the word "no" from parents "frequent and often". However, frequent use of the word "no" from parents can be seen as child abuse if it offends the child.

God's Law on child abuse is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. The key here to not abusing your child is to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are inevitable in children when dealing with them. One thing that hurts children's feelings is when parents say "no" to most every little thing that they ask for. The idea here is to only say "no" or otherwise set limits when absolutely necessary for safety's sake. The word "no" should be reserved for when children are behaving in an unsafe manner, such as when children are approaching a hot stove, or else when children are running into oncoming traffic. The idea is to avoid offense by way of saying "no" to children seldom, meaning almost never, and only then in the case of life or limb. However, sometimes you do need to say "no" to a child. However, them accepting the word "no" is another story. Whenever you hurt your children's feelings at all in parenting, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt their feelings with your limits, lest it be officially an offense. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child alone is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan parenting customs, which were punitive in nature. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Christian parents in the Early Church did not say "no" to children "frequent and often". Instead, children were only told "no" by parents seldom, meaning almost never. Limits were only directly set then when the child was a danger to themselves or others, in terms of life and limb. Morals usually are absorbed by a child in the form of a religious development. Usually, children formed their religious beliefs starting at age 6, with fathers leaving out a Bible for children to discover and explore, with children getting lavish praise and encouragement when they were caught in the act of studying the Bible. From there, children learned from religious study how to avoid entitlement, with help from fathers on understanding the context. It is a myth that children need morals beaten into them - they can learn right from wrong just by reading a Bible. Thus, directly setting limits is unnecessary except when a child is clearly endangering themselves or others with high-risk play. 

A common place for contention in parenting is the store. Usually, the child wants candy from the checkout line and takes it off the shelf, and the parent says "no, put that back", with the power struggle unfolding from there. The myth is that if you give children that candy bar, that they will want "more, more, and then some". However, in the Early Church, the prized candy for children was licorice. Whenever the child took candy off of the shelf, the mother simply asked for the item briefly to pay for it, with the child then being able to then enjoy a nice piece of candy. You might be surprised - that they aren't asking for much else. Most parents can definitely afford a candy bar at the store checkout line. Just make sure that all snacks are paid for before leaving the store. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!