Defiance: Why never to punish your child for defiance

Many parents think that children who defy the limits of parents are deserving of punishment. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents punish their children for defiance, with some parents only punishing their children for clear defiance. However, defiance does not consist of a child out to "undermine parents". Children are defiant because they simply cannot accept a set limit.

God's Law on dealing with defiance is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child, including for defiance. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your child, or even stop punishing your child altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. If you hurt someone else's feelings, you need to apologize. Dealing with children works the same way. One way that children's feelings are hurt is when they cannot accept a set limit. One way that children show their displeasure for set limits is by defiance. Children aren't out to get you. They simply cannot accept a set limit, with this due to children lacking self-control, with things that adults find simply disappointing instead being earth-shattering for children. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to apologize to children for hurting their feelings with your limits, ideally in the face of their defiance. In many cases, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting their feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for hurting your feelings with my temper", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards children is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin term roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Children are not out to undermine you when they are defiant. They simply lack the self-control to accept limits from parents. What is a normal disappointment for adults is earth-shattering for young children. The idea is to reassure your child that you mean well in your limits. In almost all instances, children can forgive an apology from parents when parents apologize for hurting their child's feelings. When children refuse to forgive you, you most likely have traumatized them. But, like with adults, children forgive the little disagreements, with children instead refusing to forgive clear abuse.

Children growing up in the Early Church were the type of child to be compliant in a way that pleased parents, especially after the first 6 years of childhood. Mutual submission in parenting then came in the form of mutual askance, meaning parents could ask things of children from the bottom of their heart, with children asking things of parents. See the word υπακουο in Col. 3:20 and Eph. 6:1. Children rested in the refuge of their parents, especially when children were under age 6. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!