How to raise cooperative children (without punishment or force)

Many parents think that the answer to children talking back is punishment of children. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents punish their children for simply not cooperating with parents. However, the proper way to get a child to listen is to win them over. 

Cooperative children are a byproduct of a parent who cooperates with their child, in mutual submission format. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers here to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This highlighted word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, with parents performing good works for a child, with children resting securely in the good works of parents. Good works for children involves doing good things for children, meeting children's every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40, 25:31-46; 1Cor. 22:35-40.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were initially charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as deacon.

Cooperation is a common motive for parents to punish their children. Most punishment coming from American parents happens when children are uncooperative. However, the fact of the matter is that defiance and back talk happen when you pick fights with your child, instead of forming a bond with your child.

Christian parents in the Early Church knew more than parents today that the best way to gain cooperation from children was to give them their every vulnerable need, thereby forming a secure attachment with children. For the first 6 years of childhood, mothers held their children close, either by holding them or letting them seemingly be attached at the hip. 

When children were older - age 6 and up - children were cooperative with parents, in an affectionate way. Children growing up in the Early Church cooperated in a "make your day" way, meaning they wanted to please parents, usually by doing things on their own. Children then alternated between free play and closeness with mom, with these intervals being more spaced out as the child got older. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!