"Benign" deprivation: Why the frequent use of the word "no" can be seen as child abuse

Many parents buy into the doctrine of "benign" deprivation. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents believe children need to hear the word "no" from parents "frequent and often". However, most American parents need an attitude adjustment in this regard. Children are not out to get you as a parent. They instead need to hear "no" from parents seldom, meaning rarely. The frequent use of the word "no" can be seen as child abuse if it offends the child.

God's Law on child abuse is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. The key here is to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are inevitable in children when dealing with them. One thing that hurts a child's feelings is being told "no" all of the time. Children do not need to hear the word "no" from parents "frequent and often". Instead, children should only hear the word "no" from parents when absolutely necessary, meaning rarely. When the word "no" hurts a child's feelings, you should be willing to give a meaningful apology to your child. Many times, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, in the form of an informal apology, when you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology to your child for hurting their feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child alone is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. Usually, the frequent use of the word "no" is due to parents being motivated by anger, and thus having parental entitlement. Parents should instead be motivated by worry or concern. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandment, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan parenting customs, which were punitive in nature. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Children do not need to hear the word "no" from parents "frequent and often". Instead, parents should only say "no" when absolutely necessary, meaning rarely. It is a myth that only saying "no" when you need to leads to children wanting "more, more, and then some". However, children are not out to get you in that regard. They simply want an item due to where it comes from - YOU as a parent. 

A common place of contention between parents and children is in the store. In most cases, the child wants candy in the checkout aisle. Most parents then say "put that back" and then the fight starts from there. However, in the Early Church, parents would take their children with them to market. One of the things children wanted was the licorice at the candy stand, as licorice was a popular candy then among children. All parents did was ask for the candy briefly so that the candy could be paid for. Children are not asking for much in the store in most cases, so why not give them what they want? 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!