Honor thy father and thy mother: Understanding the Fifth Commandment in context

Many parents feel entitled to being honored. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents. Most American parents have demanded that children honor them. However, with a few narrow exceptions, parents need to earn honor from their children.

The Fifth Commandment states in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that the days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

This commandment means don't dishonor your parents, meaning don't commit elder abuse against them. The bare minimum that a parent deserves, in terms of respect, is not striking parents (see also Exod. 21:15), not gaslighting parents to send them places (see also Lev. 20:9), and not blaming parents for moral crimes that you commit (see also Deut. 21:18-21). Apart from that, parents are to allow themselves to be used by their children, even when they are fully grown, like a sponge. But, even parents have limits as to what they can tolerate.

Dishonoring parents, in children, can be understood by the commandment not to strike parents. Children can use their parents for pretty much anything under the sun. However, striking parents is not the way to get what you want from parents. The idea is to cry when your child strikes out at you, as children do not want to take advantage of parents, but instead just want to be heard. But, the right way to get what you want from parents is to simply voice a want, and use your words. 

The Fifth Commandment is repeated in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

Respect for parents was a real concept for children in biblical times. But, this respect came from closeness to parents, not fear of parents. For the first 6 years of childhood, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever mothers went, so did her child. For the first 2 years of childhood, children were constantly held, either in mom's arms, or on mom's back in a papoose bag when her hands were full. Between ages 2-6, children ranged beside mothers, following her from room to room, not allowing mom out of their sight, morbidly fearing mom "going away, and never coming back". Whenever children cried, mothers cooed at children before picking the child up, then diagnosing the need from there. Maybe the child was tired. Maybe the child was hungry. Maybe the child needed mom's milk. Maybe the child needed mom, period. When mothers were out and about with children, they wrapped up the child in swaddling blankets, the tucking the swaddling blankets - and the child with her - underneath her loose-fitting, revealing dress that resembled an apron. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format, with this co-sleeping lasting until the onset of puberty, which was when children wanted their own place to sleep.

Honoring parents becomes more relevant when parents grow old. If you had good parents, or else you have made peace with your abusive parents, you have the right to give back to your parents by taking care of them when they are older. If your parents were that down and the dumps that they abused you, you have the right to send them to the trash - permanently. It all starts out with children using parents like a sponge, and then when the parent is in need of care and attention, they can use their children like a sponge. The amount of honor shown towards parents is determined ultimately by how much parents did to earn the respect of their children. 

Speaking against parents alone is not dishonoring parents. The main offense against parents that can easily be committed today by a young child is striking parents. That is the most common form of dishonoring parents committed today. Children's needs are always valid, but they can be expressed better than striking out at parents. Crying when your child strikes out against you communicates to the child that they should express the need better. In most cases, the child cries alongside the parent. This is what is called righteous wailing. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!