Oppositional-defiant disorder: Why children with ODD need less limits (meaning not more)

Some parents have to deal with it. A child being oppositional and defiant in how they relate to parents. Most parents think that such a child needs firmer limits. However, the fact of the matter is that parents of a child with ODD should be setting less limits, meaning not more.

Proper dealing with ODD in children involves the doctrine of mutual submission, with the burden of proof falling squarely onto parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers here to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This highlighted word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to perform good works for children, with children resting securely in the good works of parents. Good works here refers to doing good things for children, meeting a child's every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40, 25:31-46.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking- child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christians who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing their children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as deacon.

Most parents think that a child with ODD needs more limits, usually meaning more punishment in order to control a child. However, there is no way to control a child. Christian parents in the Early Church did not use controlling measures in parenting. The ancients knew better than parents today that whenever you try to control an individual, they seek to control back. This is called the counterwill. The idea is to give up the fight with your child, and give in to their demands. 

Some children were difficult to manage even in the Early Church. Some children did not want the standard warmth and sustenance from mothers. These children were known as stand-beside-me children. The main limit given to a stand-beside-me child was to stand beside mothers, even if most stand-beside-me children disregarded that limit. A stand-beside-me child was a willful child, and yet they were the most prized of all children. Punishing even a stand-beside-me child - meaning especially a stand-beside-me child - was seen as unlawful under any circumstance. The ancients even then knew that some children cannot be controlled, and so the more willful the child, the more freedom the child had. Most children were constantly attached at the hip when younger than age 6, but stand-beside-me children had to be instructed to stand next to mom at all times, except when playing freely outside, with stand-beside-me children leaving the side of mom sooner than most children, thus playing freely when most children were afraid to leave the side of mothers until age 6. Stand-beside-me children were given freedom to roam from an early age, even when most children wanted closeness and snuggling with mom.  

ODD is a common disorder, and usually is secondary to another disorder such as autism, bipolar disorder, and/or ADHD. Usually, all that is needed is a change in medication. Until then, the parents of a child simply have to keep their children safe. Sometimes, the autism itself is the co-morbid disorder, in which case the parent simply has to accept their child, flaws and all, stroking the child's ego, as there is no medication for autism as a standalone primary diagnosis. 

I myself was never diagnosed with ODD. However, I fit the diagnostic criteria to a T. The only reason that my doctor didn't give the label was to avoid the stigma attached to the diagnosis. ODD means a child is completely uncontrollable in their behaviors. Most children have a counterwill, but a child with ODD has a counterwill through the roof, to the point where you can't stop them even as their parent. But, adults sure tried to be controlling with me, and punished me at home and at school when they couldn't manage my behaviors. I myself have trauma as a result of a battle of wills between adults and me as a child. I had teachers who listened to me, and I hardly gave them any trouble. Even when medicated, I still was afraid of parents, meaning I distrusted parents with their children, meaning my anger turned into anxiety. I ultimately had to put my trust in a God that would avenge the abuse that I suffered. I myself now have a trauma from entitled parents, thanks to adults who sought to control someone that could not be controlled. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!