Obedience: Why true biblical obedience isn't fear based

Many parents want their children to obey authority. This is a common goal for parents. Most parents believe that obedience can only be taught using punitive measures such as spanking and punishing children. The fact of the matter is that children can learn obedience through means other than punishment. Attachment parenting can teach obedience to children without children being punished or subject to controlling demeanor.

It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to ensure that children have a warm and loving upbringing. When attachment parenting is used to the fullest, including skin-on-skin comforting strategies, children listen to and cooperate with parents, automatically and out of instinct. True biblical obedience isn't something you forcefully obtain from children through punishment. You can't "get them to listen". True biblical obedience is a willful choice that a child makes to surrender to parents, after his/her cup has been filled to the top with what they need. That willful choice is a choice that is automatic and instinctual in children, for it is in the nature of children to surrender to parents. Children then listen to parents blindly because they don't question your motives, because they don't have any reason to question their motives.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child in an exchange, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child, coming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishment or controlling demeanor towards a child. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children too many times, and after receiving many warnings that their parenting habits were in violation of the Law. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damage or offense stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment, in biblical times, was seen as holding a child hostage merely for things they did wrong. Paul was lifting up the Law for a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking and opposed punishing a child for any reason. Paul was giving these commands not to provoke children to anger as part of advocacy for children growing up in Greek and Roman Christian homes, with such children being beaten with their father's rod and staff. There was no custom among the Early Christians for fathers to beat children using their rod and staff, as the rod and staff was only for beating intruders. Jewish society, then and now, always supported a warm and loving upbringing.

Mothers, in biblical times, were the primary adults charged with the care and protection of children. Mothers then didn't spank or punish their children to gain cooperation with their children. They instead used skin-on-skin comforting strategies to gain cooperation from their children. Children didn't wear any clothing, at all, until adulthood. Mothers didn't wear any clothing except when outside the home. Mothers snuggled with their children in skin-on-skin format. Children were placed on the bare bosom of mothers, and either co-snuggled, co-mingled, or co-slept with.

Respect for parents was a concept then, but wasn't based off of fear of punishment, but instead was based off of closeness. Children never left the side of mothers until age 6, and even when they left her side, they never left the line of sight of parents. Children listened to parents automatically and out of pure instinct. Children have it in them, in the form of pure instinct, to go along with and listen to parents, and this trusting compliance is earned by the closeness of mothers.

Obedience, in the biblical tense, is not something you can "get" a child to do using rewards and punishments. True respect and obedience for parents is something the child elects to do, in response to  child's cup being filled up to the top with everything they need and most of what they want. Children naturally want to go along with parents when parents don't punish or control the child. Listening to parents is an instinctual drive towards parents in children, built up by a secure parent-child bond during the first 5-6 years of life. The closer the bond you have with your child during the first 5-6 years, the more obedient your child will be in the long run. Obedience is a means of giving back to parents for forming a secure attachment with them.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!