Inside the mind of a child predator: Why all adults are capable of harm

My name is Maxwell, and I am an adult who struggles with adult sexual self-interest. Formerly, I struggled with adult sexual entitlement. I am a self-diagnosed pedophile attracted to children aged 6-18, and also women that look young, perhaps due to pedophilic sexual predisposition (someone with a similar struggle).

I am in a better place right now. I am a Virtuous Pedophiles (VirPed) supporter, but I myself am not virtuous at all. Think flashing lights on the ceiling. Think stretcher and ambulance. Think medical equipment. Think electronic voice on the TV news. That is how I accept pedophilia as my mental health self-diagnosis. I prefer it to be seen not as disgusting or as something to celebrate, but simply a dark struggle. It is a self-interest in relation to children, and though mere self-interests are not entitlement, they can lead to entitlement, so they need to be kept in check. Pedophilia will never be a good thing. It just shouldn't be a shame to be mentally ill, and being a pedophile is the exact same thing as being mentally ill. Pedophilia is no sin; mental illness is no sin. 

I realized that I was a pedophile at age 16, when I had a crush on a 12-year-old girl, which wasn't completely pedophilia given my age and the age difference (I go by the strict DSM-5 criteria). I went to the VirPed website, and could relate to the bio of one of the founding admins, "Ethan Edwards". I grew up in a fairly sexually open environment - my parents were progressive Christians who were open about sexual issues. I then told my mother that I was a pedophile. I was still allowed contact with the 12-year-old girl, but with supervision, and I left her alone. She was the one that was spared.

I really did it wrong at the local swimming area (being vague to protect the innocent). I saw a girl whom I thought was 12, with me being 16, and I thought that the small age difference that I perceived would lead me to a nice sexual relationship. Back then, I was a nihilistic atheist who believed all sex that was consensual was allowed, under my personal moral beliefs. I was completely oblivious to the fact that a) she was really 9 and b) even if she was 12, the minimum age of consent is 13 in Pennsylvania. I was oblivious to how I looked asking her for her number. She declined to give it, saying "that's confidential". We played a game, and then I was hooked. I was in love, and my body told me as much. My hands were shaking, and my breath was taken away by her presence. She was so nurturing, and she treated me on my developmental level, meaning she was actually a bit more mature than I was then. I parentified her in my fantasies, and in my view of her. I would follow her around the pool deck like a sick puppy.

As years went, I got more and more used to approaching young girls at the pool, usually in a remote way by waving to them in a flirtatious way. What was happening is what is called imprinting, meaning I became acclimated to contacting children inappropriately at the this local pool. 

I finally saw the light and changed when a girl I knew said "What do you want from me?" in a shaky voice when I was looking at her. I pinpointed the statute, and expected a disorderly conduct fine, and I was prepared for the worst - I went towards the fence of the pool and waited for the police to come. I was completely shocked and scared straight by her reaction. From there, I did not abuse again.

A few years later, after exploring my sexuality on the Virtuous Pedophiles forums, I decided to become religious, and accept the Holy Spirit into my life, meaning I became a Christian upon hearing about one of my favorite Bible verses, Romans 13:1-7. The law was always a personal religion for me, even if I didn't regard it as such - this meant the actual statutory law, as it is written. I regard the written law itself, including all traffic signs and signals, as commandments instated by God for our own good. I was aware of the commandment to not provoke a child to anger as well. 

I then got tired of having anxiety over world injustices. I started testing conservative arguments by comparing them to Scripture. No sex outside of marriage for me, I found, and that one teaching reformed me completely, once completely enforced by God on me. Conservatism, to me, is about accepting what I can't do, and then focusing on what I can do. I myself have an anti-spanking trauma, and got flashbacks just seeing children being mistreated and abused in public. I would just forget about it eventually, and focus on attraction.

My conservative Christian faith benefits me most in the realm of sexual purity teachings. If I ever head towards a child with sexual motives, all I have to do is stop myself with images of Hell and being seen as filthy and unclean to God, and then I am good, and I then know to take it elsewhere - to sexual fantasy. Under my Christian beliefs, if I take the first steps to approach a child, I have already committed the crime already, but at the same time, if I stop right away, and turn away from temptation, I have not sinned, as the sin is defending your actions in that sort of situation and/or abusing the child sexually. Merely having desires is simply self-interest to me, and can be channeled in a healthy way using solo masturbation.

Every single adult has a story to tell regarding their abuse towards children, and I recommend all adults identify as remorseful abusers of children as a child advocate. Every single adult is guilty in relation to children, merely for having the capacity to abuse a child under the right/wrong conditions, just as I did. I, as an entitled adult, have no right to exist in relation to a child, as a child can send me away from their periphery of perception right away, and if they don't perceive me anymore, I don't exist to them. I am deserving of said non-existence, yet am grateful for the forgiveness that children have given me, as I am not deserving of such forgiveness.

We all are abusers to children as adults, as we all have abused children in some way, in some form. We all don't deserve anything from children, and are entitled to nothing from them. Adults should be grateful for the child that they have, instead of wanting to grow that child up into a new child. I myself am a reformed child predator. If I can admit to being an abuser towards children, so can you. After all, the first step to solving a problem is admitting it, to yourself, and to others when relevant.