Defiance: Why punishing your child for defiance is child abuse

Many parents have been there. A child acting defiant toward parents. Most parents think that a defiant child is "undermining parental authority". However, when your child is acting defiant, they aren't out to get you - they simply can't accept a set limit. Punishing your child for defiance is a form of child abuse.

God's Law on child abuse is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child, including for defiance. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your child, or even stop punishing your child altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just like hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. One way that a child's feelings are hurt are when they cannot accept a set limit. This displeasure toward set limits many times comes in the form of defiance. Defiance, most of the time, comes in response to the word "no". Defiance usually comes in the form of forceful tears, protesting a limit that the child cannot accept. The key to avoiding offense here is to give a meaningful apology right when your child is defying your limits, thus helping them accept set limits. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, in the form of an informal apology, for hurting your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you" , and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translated "power to the parent", including the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishing children. However, this commandment ultimately was received as prohibiting all forms of offenses as perceived by a child. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Defiance in children is normal, and is developmentally appropriate behavior in children. Most children have their moments where they defy their parents. The key to dealing with defiance is to apologize for the antecedent behind the defiance, namely the child not being able to accept a set limit. The purpose of a meaningful apology for hurting your child's feelings is to help them accept a set limit. Usually, children forgive their parents when they apologize. If the child does not accept your apology, that is a sign of trauma in your child.

Defiance in children, in the broader Greco-Roman world, was seen as deserving of punishment. Most children then were punished by way of an open-handed spanking to a bare bottom. The Early Christians, contrary to popular belief, were not well-integrated into broader Greco-Roman society, and instead shunned the outside world. One issue where they shunned the broader Greco-Roman world was on parenting. The Christians then were hated for being "too soft" on their children.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!