Defiance: Why not to punish your child for defiance

Many parents have been there. A child behaving in a defiant manner. This is a common and normal occurrence in children. However, many parents punish their children for defiance. However, children do not defy you in order to "undermine" you as a parent. They simply cannot accept a limit.

God's Law on dealing with a defiant child is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking children when the are acting defiant. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your child, or even stop punishing children altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. One thing that hurts a child's feelings is not being able to accept a set limit. In many cases, children cry tears of defiance when they cannot accept a set limit. The key to avoiding offense in a defiant child is to give a meaningful apology in the face of their defiance, thus helping them accept a limit that hurts their feelings. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt their feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to losing your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards children alone is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this commandment was ultimately received in the parish at Colossae as prohibiting any offenses or damages as perceived by a child. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Defiance is not a means of a child "undermining" you as a parent. Defiance is normal childhood behavior. The key is to stay patient and apologize to your child for setting a limit that they cannot accept. Usually, children do forgive you right away when you apologize to them for setting limits that they cannot accept. If your child truly never forgives you, you have traumatized them.

Most punishment in parenting is due to a child being defiant. In many homes, children are punished solely for acting defiant. However, most children defy their parents, and do so when they cannot accept a set limit. They are not out to get you. They simply cannot accept the limits of parents. What they need is a meaningful apology for hurting their feelings with your limits. 

Most parents punish their defiant child when they are motivated by anger as a parent. Most American parents are motivated by anger when dealing with children. However, most Christian parents in the Early Church were never motivated by anger, with worry or concern being the mortivator of Christian parenting in the Early Church.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!