Child discipline: How to discipline your child without punitive measures

Many parents want their children to have discipline. This is a common goal amongst American parents. Most American parents want their children to have discipline. However, most American parents equate discipline with punishment. But, there are better ways to discipline your child than punitive measures.

God's Law on child discipline is spelled out in Ephesians 6:4 KJV:

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

This first stanza of this commandment clarifies for the second that discipline should not hurt. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your child, or even stop punishing them altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just like hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are inevitable in children when dealing with them. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to losing your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this stanza of this commandment was ultimately received as a prohibition of any offenses or damages as perceived by the child. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

This second stanza of this commandment spells out what discipline is acceptable, with the first stanza ruling out anything punitive with a child. The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers here to nurturing of a specific type, namely the teaching type. Christian parents in the Early Church looked for preferred behaviors in children, such as discipline and self-control. When those good traits showed in children, they were praised and encouraged for more of the same. Christian parents in the Early Church set a good example for their children to follow. However, they backed up their example with praise and encouragement, not punishment or force. Children also need religious instruction, as religion is a human need for children and adults alike. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin:: nouthesia) and is more aptly translated as "instruction" in more modern versions of the Bible. The Apostle Paul here was ultimately referring to religious instruction. Starting at age 6, fathers left out a Bible for children to discover and explore, and left the Bible open to a comforting verse. When children were caught in the act of studying the Bible, they were praised and encouraged for more of the same. Fathers then interjected something along the lines of "you can ask me anything about that book". From there, religious instruction came in question and answer format, with children being curious about Scripture, and with fathers giving pointers on the context. This second stanza of this commandment ultimately refers to the Hebraic tradition of positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement of this type predates the coming of Christ by thousands of years, and is practiced even today in Jewish homes around the world. 

Sometimes, in parenting, you need to set limits. However, children accepting limits is a whole other story. Whenever a child cannot accept a set limit, you need to apologize to them for hurting their feelings with your limits. Usually, an informal apology will do. However, if you ever lose your cool with your child, you need to give a formal apology to your child, and then commit never to losing your cool with your child ever again.

Any parent anger directed towards a child was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. As a norm, parenting in the Early Church was not motivated by anger, but instead was motivated by worry or concern. Anger at a child then was likened to a viper lashing out at its prey - maybe the child got a warning, but that was about it. Whenever this sort of entitlement was spotted in a parent, they were excommunicated from the Early Christian Churches of God.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!