Child discipline: How to discipline your child without punitive measures

Many parents want their children to have discipline. This is a common goal amongst American parents. Most American parents discipline their children. However, most parents equate discipline with punishment. However, there are better ways to discipline your child than by punishing them.

God's Law on child discipline is spelled out in Ephesians 6:4 KJV:

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

This first stanza clarifies for the second that discipline should not hurt. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your child, or even stop punishing your child altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in your child. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to losing your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul in this first stanza was convicting a few Greek Christian parents in the parish who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translated to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions onto children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this stanza of this commandment was ultimately received as prohibiting all offenses as perceived by a child. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

The second stanza of this commandment spells out what discipline is acceptable, with the first stanza ruling out anything punitive with a child. The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers here to a specific type of nurturing, namely of the teaching type. Christian parents in the Early Church looked for preferred behaviors in children, including any discipline or self-control in children. When children showed these behaviors, they were lavishly praised and encouraged for more of the same. Christian parents in the Early Church set a good example for children to follow, but with this example being backed up by praise and encouragement, as opposed to punishment or force. Children also need religious instruction, as religion is a human need for children and adults alike. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and is better translated as "instruction" in more modern versions of the Bible. The Apostle Paul here was discussing religious instruction. Starting at age 6, fathers left out a Bible for children to discover and explore. When children were caught in the act of studying the Bible, they were lavishly praised and encouraged to keep up the good work, with fathers then saying to children "you can ask me anything about that book". From there, religious instruction came in question and answer format, with children being curious about Scripture, and with fathers giving pointers on the context. This commandment refers here to the Hebraic tradition of positive reinforcement, meaning catching children being good and praising them. This tradition of positive reinforcement predates Christ by thousands of years.

Sometimes, you need to set a limit with your child. However, children accepting set limits is a whole other story. Whenever a child cannot accept a set limit, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology for hurting their feelings with your limit. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, namely in the form of an informal apology. However, if you set a limit out of anger or haste, you should give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger.

Parent anger at children in the Early Church was not acceptable as motivation for parenting. Instead, parents then were motivated by worry or concern. Anger at a child was seen then as akin to a viper striking out at its prey - maybe the child was given a warning, but that's about it.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let then be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!