The word "no": Why children need to hear the word "no" seldom (meaning almost never)

Many parents think that children need to hear the word "no" frequent and often. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents say "no" to their child frequently, and then punish their child after they throw a temper tantrum. However, children, in all actuality, need to hear the word "no" seldom, meaning almost never. Children should hear the word "yes" far more often than the word "no".

Frequent use of the word "yes" is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke their children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children just as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40; 25:31-46.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christians who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

The word "no" was used by Christian parents in the Early Church seldom, meaning almost never. Instead, parents heeled to the command of their children. In most cases, parents were required by customary law to say "yes" to the every petitioned request from children. The child's wish was the command for parents. The only time parents could use the word "no" was when the command of a child was completely unsafe, unworkable, and/or immoral. Even then, parents usually found a way to compromise with their children. The word "no" was a last resort, after all attempts to compromise were exhausted. Even then, parents were required to reassure their children when the child could not accept the word "no". Children could say "no" to parents whenever they saw fit, commanding the parents to heel to the word "no" commanded by the child.

The word "no" should be used almost never with children. Even when the child wants the expensive bicycle at Wal-Mart, there is usually no reason to say a flat out "no". Instead, a parent can say "we'll come back come payday". Some parents may not make enough, in which case the word "no" should be used. 

When out and about, parents often feel the need to say "no" to everything that the child wants. In the Early Church, when mothers went shopping with their children, the child got most all of what they want, and absolutely all of what they needed. Usually, the child wanted candy, in which case the mother obliged. The only time mothers said "no" was when they couldn't afford the item or if the item was off-limits. Children were not allowed to pick out sophisticated jewelry, as this was seen as immodesty. 

Children in biblical times often got into mischief, such as drawing on the wall or breaking an expensive vase. Parents, when they found out, laughed off the incident, and then cleaned up the mess that the child made. Righteous laughter should replace the word "no" when a child seems to be into absolutely everything. 

Children do not have an innate need to hear the word "no". When children frequently hear the word "yes" from parents, they start to form a secure bond with parents. The word "no" should be used rarely, meaning almost never. Children should count on you to pamper and baby them with the word "yes". If you can't say a flat out "yes", try to find a way for it to work out before using the word "no". 

The word "no" is often rooted in parent anger. The idea is to lose that parent anger, by knowing that you are a depraved and entitled sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing from your child. Most anger in parents comes from sore disappointment for not having the well-behaved child that they feel they deserve. Once you lose that parent anger, you should find less reason to use the word "no" with your child, and more reason to heel to the command of your child.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!