Honor thy parents: Understanding the Fifth Commandment in context

Many parents think that they are entitled to being honored by their children. However, few parents do anything to earn being honored by their children. Most American parents want to be honored by their parents. Honor, however, is something earned by parents, not something handed out on a patter for free. 

The Fifth Commandment reads in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. 

Honoring parents, at minimum, means don't dishonor parents. You can use your parents pretty much any way you'd like, with you owing parents nothing in return. However, parents do have some rights. Don't strike or attack them (see also Exod. 21:15), don't gaslight parents to send them places (see also Lev. 20:9), and don't blame your parents for moral crimes that you commit (see also Deut. 21:18-21). Apart from that, parents need to do their part to earn being honored.

The commandment to honor parents can be understood in terms of the commandment not to strike or physically attack parents. You can use your parents for pretty much anything that you need or want, with your every wish being the parent's command. But, you can't express your needs by striking or attacking them. When children strike out at parents, parents should use the strategy of righteous wailing, or crying out loud when children strike out at you. You may find that your child simply wants to be heard, and doesn't want to take advantage of your vulnerable tears.

The Fifth Commandment is repeated in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to their children as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

Respect for parents was a real concept in biblical times. However, respect came in the form of closeness to parents, not fear of parents. For the first 6 years of childhood, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever mothers went, so did her child. For the first 2 years of childhood, children were constantly held, either in mom's loving arms, or on mom's back in a papoose bag if her hands were full. Between ages 2-6, children ranged besides mothers, following her from room to room, not allowing mom out of their line of sight, fearing that mom would "go away and never come back". Whenever children cried, mothers cooed before rushing in to pick them up, and from there diagnose the need that the child had. Maybe the child was tired. Maybe the child was hungry. Maybe the child needed mom's milk. Maybe the child needed mom, period. Children under age 6, when out and about with mothers, were wrapped up next to mom in swaddling blankets, with swaddling blankets - and the child with them - being tucked underneath the loose-fitting, revealing dress of mothers that resembled an apron. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format, with this skin-on-skin closeness happening every night, until the child reached the onset of puberty, which was when most children wanted a place of their own to sleep.

Honor is something parents earn, not something handed out on a silver platter. Parents are deserving of absolutely nothing from children. Not even honor. Not even respect. Not even forgiveness. Not even affection. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Parenting should be a thankless job, meaning parenting should be a selfless endeavor, with children being able to use their parents like a sponge, even when children are independent adults. Parents should be the safety net for children to fall on.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!