Discipline and limit setting in Christian homes: How to set limits with children (without punishment or force)

Many parents want to discipline their children. It is a common belief that children need discipline, with discipline being something imposed from above. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents seek to impose discipline on a child. The fact of the matter is that discipline is something that the man of the house encourages, with mothers nurturing children up close.

Limit setting in Christian homes is part of the Christian command of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Children are to surrender to parents in a manner including strings attached, meaning children have the right to issue righteous demands towards parents from their restful place, namely when parents aren't pulling their own weight. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages of offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical time as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christians in the parish at Ephesus who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers used the scourge of cords on their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were hated largely for being "too soft" on their children.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, to modeling Christian discipline to children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with their children following in their footsteps. Children in biblical times were caught being good by their parents, instead of caught being bad by their parents. Whenever children were caught emulating the disciplined example of parents, fathers gave them lavish praise and encouragement to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys received manly praise when caught being good, whereas girls were given snuggles when caught being good. Sometimes, children needed direct parental instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the advice and counsel of parents, namely that parents can only give advice when needed, or else counsel their children when they are upset. Otherwise, children held divine authority over their parents, and did until the children moved out.

Children do need discipline, and that is not up for debate. But, children do NOT need discipline imposed on them in the form of punishment. Good discipline comes from the disciplined example of parents, especially fathers. Fathers are to take up the attitude that they are a depraved and entitled sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing. Once you catch your child emulating your disciplined example, don't forget to praise them with lavish encouragement. Your child should then gradually show more of your example in their behavior, which warrants further praise. The father should be seen by the child not as a source of punishment, but as a source of praise and encouragement, so that children know the right way to go.

What motivates children to emulate a disciplined example in parents? A secure attachment is necessary to motivate discipline in children. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, where mother and child both were in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. Whenever children cried, mothers swooped in to the rescue, cooing at their children before picking them up, then holding them to their bosom in skin-on-skin mammary closeness. When out and about, young children under age 6 were swaddled next to mothers in swaddling blankets. Mothers breastfed everywhere they went, even in public. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin comfort and warmth. Co-sleeping stopped once a child reached the onset of puberty, which is when they wanted their own place to sleep. This sustaining warmth prepared children for the encouragement of their fathers.

Mothers in biblical times nurtured up close, whereas fathers nurtured from afar. Fathers nurtured in a teaching way, encouraging Bible self-study, making learning the facts of life fun. Fathers and children in the Early Church compared notes as to what they found in Scripture. Children were allowed to come to their own conclusions regarding religious instruction, as long as the final conclusion was not heretical in nature. Fathers also encouraged children to absorb his disciplined example. All of the deep bonding that the child had with the mother translated over to the father, once children were ready to be disciplined with their fathers' encouragement.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!