Child punishment: Why not to punish or be controlling with your child (and what to do instead)

Many American parents believe in punishing children. Most American parents, in fact, punish their children. Most American parents who punish their children believe that the Bible allows for punitive parenting. The fact of the matter is that the Bible prohibits all parental entitlement, including any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor.

Child punishment can be replaced by the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This form of surrender to parents comes with strings attached on the part of parents, with children being able to issue lawfully binding orders from their place of rest, usually when parents weren't doing their fair share around the house.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents in the parish at Ephesus who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child. Paul may not have gotten along with women, but he loved children, and, in fact, took in orphaned children. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers used the scourge of cords to punish their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were hated largely for being "too soft" on their children.

What alternatives are there for punitive parenting? The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling Christian discipline to children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in the footsteps of their parents. Children in biblical times were caught being good, instead of being caught being bad. Whenever children were caught emulating the disciplined example of parents, they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise when caught being good, and girls were given snuggles and physical affection when caught being good. Sometimes, children needed direct instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the advice and counsel of parents, meaning that parents can only give advice to children when needed, or else counsel children when they are upset. Otherwise, children had divine authority over their parents, and issued lawfully binding orders to their parents.

Mothers nurtured up close, and fathers nurtured from afar. Fathers, in biblical times, nurtured their children in a teaching way. Fathers first set the groundwork for discipline by setting a good Christian example for children, meaning they were convicted of the fact that they were a depraved and decadent sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing. Knowing that you are deserving of absolutely nothing, forces the parent to be grateful for absolutely everything. Children are bound to pick up on this example, and copy it. Whenever you catch your child copying your Christian example, such as through showing patience or self-control, encourage and praise them for "behaving the right way".

What ultimately motivates children to follow the disciplined example of parents? Children first need a secure attachment to parents, primarily with mothers, and secondarily with fathers. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, where mother and child were in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. Whenever a child cried, they were cooed at by mothers, with mothers then picking up the child and holding the child close to her bosom in swaddling blankets. From there, the mother diagnosed the vulnerable need, and met it. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format. This skin-on-skin co-sleeping happened every night until the child reached the onset of puberty, which was when children insisted on their own place to sleep.

The abovementioned close nurturing by mothers paved the way for nurturing from afar by fathers. Fathers placed a Bible in an open area of the home, for the child to eventually find and explore. When a child was caught exploring the Bible, they were lavishly praised and encouraged with phrases such as "that book is good for you". Father and child then discussed the Bible casually, with the father giving children pointers on the context. 

Children absorbed the teachings of the Bible at their own pace. Children were not forced to be religious in any way. Children are capable of religious growth almost entirely on their own. However, when children come to the right religious conclusions, it is good to lavishly praise and encourage them in their religious vocation. You are, in fact, quenching a need of theirs by encouraging the right religion in them.

The depraved and entitled parent who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!