Change of heart: How to effect a change of heart in children (without punishment or force)

Many parents want it. Our conventional parenting is designed to effect it. We're speaking of a change of heart. Most parents believe that a change of heart only comes from punishment, such as time-out and spanking. However, there are better ways to effect a change of heart in children. Children, as a matter of fact, are capable of coming to a change of heart on their own.

The best way to effect a change of heart in a child stems from the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul to lift up the customary law that commands a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to their children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished theirt children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. 

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling Christian discipline to children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in their footsteps. Children in biblical times were caught being good, instead of being caught being bad. Whenever fathers caught their child emulating the Christian example of parents, they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep going down the straight path". Boys were rewarded with manly praise and encouragement when caught being good, and girls were given physical affection such as hugs and snuggles when they were caught being good. Sometimes, children needed direct instruction from parents. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the advice and counsel of parents, meaning parents were only allowed to either give advice or counsel their children, and only on rare instances when simply modeling a behavior wasn't working. Parents could not issue lawfully binding orders, whereas children were allowed to issue lawfully binding orders on their parents to petition for what they need.

Children, like all of us fallen human beings, have a sinful nature. That is not up for debate. However, children don't need "the devil beaten out of them" in order to have a change of heart. All children are capable of self-improvement on their own accord, preferably when guided by a Christian example. Children can improve themselves by slowly, at their own pace, absorbing the Christian example of parents. Children can come to the conclusion all on their own that they are deserving of absolutely nothing, and thus are to be grateful for everything. When you catch your child being good in this way, take the time to praise them, and encourage them to keep taking the high road.

What backs up the Christian example that reforms children? A secure attachment at home motivates children to be convicted of Christ's message of peace and forgiveness. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever mothers went, so did their children. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, where mothers and children were in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. When a child cried, mothers cooed while picking up the child, and then held the child close to her bosom in mammary closeness. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format. That co-sleeping stopped once the child reached the onset of puberty, when the child wanted their own place to sleep. This warmth and sustenance during the formative years of a child's life prepared them for the chastening of the Lord, which was a form of discipline absorbed by the child through the atmosphere. The chastening of the Lord was something to encourage in a child in the Early Church, not something to beat into a child.

All children are born with the capability of reforming their own sinful nature, almost entirely on their own. All they need is for YOU to set a good example. This means YOU need to be convicted of the fact that you are a depraved and decadent parent who is deserving of absolutely nothing, including nothing from your children. Once you accept that you are deserving of absolutely nothing, you will become grateful for absolutely everything. When children see you performing these good works on yourself, they will want to copy your example, and be strict with themselves. 

Actual strictness in the Bible is not being strict with children, but instead is encouraging children to be strict with themselves. So, instead of being strict with children, a loving father should encourage his children to be strict with themselves. A child who takes up strictness on their own has truly had a change of heart. Usually, a change of heart simply means growing up, and for that to happen, the child needs to learn to be strict with themselves. Children are perfectly capable of being strict with themselves. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!