Toughening up children: How to toughen up your children for the real world (without spanking or punishment)

It is a common complaint amongst Christian conservatives such as me. The younger generation is a bunch of powderpuffs. Most people blame attachment parenting for this, when, in fact, attachment parenting is being used by only a small, untold percentage of the population. The fact of the matter is that children aren't internalizing essential values because they are instead made to be reliant on punishment. Toughness comes from within, not from without, even in the case of children.

Toughness was a value taught in biblical times. Toughness was taught by example, in the context of an attachment parenting setup. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV: 

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long upon the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your child to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to, in this context, modeling Christian discipline to children, and encouraging discipline in children. The standard of Christian discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Parents in biblical times worked on their entitlement, and children followed in their footsteps. When children were caught emulating the disciplined example of parents, they were rewarded with lavish praise and encouragement. In Christian homes in the 1st Century, children were caught being good, instead of caught being bad. The positive consequence for good behavior was lavish praise and encouragement, where Christian fathers would say "keep going down the right path" warmly and with gratitude. Sometimes, children needed direct instruction from their parents. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to righteous warning from a parent. Instructions from parents were not legally binding under the Law, with instructions from parents being mere requests from the bottom of the hearts of parents. The hope would be that children would listen to parents anyway, because of the secure attachment involved.

Children will not come out of the womb toughened up. They come out of the womb vulnerable and in need of care. Most childish and immature behaviors in children that adults are inclined to call "naughty" are actually developmentally appropriate behaviors. Children grow up entirely on their own. However, children only grow into the disciplined example of parents late in childhood, then falling apart once more when they need the closeness of mothers. Attachment, mixed with a disciplined example, is what fosters discipline and non-entitlement in children.

Children cannot control themselves before the age of 6, no matter what. The way to provide structure for a young child is to constantly hold them in skin-on-skin format. This starts with mothers holding babies constantly instead of isolating them in strollers and cribs. The mother was naked when in the home, and so was the baby, and the baby suckled the teat of mothers while milk-hungry. This breastfeeding ended, on average, at age 3, but could last until age 6 or older. When children are in the loving arms of mothers, they don't cry, scream, or protest as much, because they feel safe and at peace with the world in mother's arms. 

Toughness is a virtue. It is the ability to take a joke or an insult, and just brush it off like it was nothing. The way to pass it down to children is to be tough yourself, meaning don't be so easily offended by their behaviors, and don't be easily offended, period. YOU, dear parents, are depraved and decadent sinners, who are deserving of absolutely nothing. Be grateful that you even have a child, and be grateful for everything, and once you are convicted of your sin nature in relation to your child, you will be grateful, because God could take that child away from you at any time, and then you will be grateful for that child for once. Your child owes you nothing, and the world owes you nothing for having a child. Toughen up, and get a grip, dear parents. Then, once you are made tough, your child will follow suit - unless you are tough on your child, in which case he/she will just go the opposite way. The conviction that one as a parent is deserving of absolutely nothing, makes the parent grateful for absolutely everything, over time centering the entitlement of the parent in order to percolate - and this includes parental entitlement.

When your children see you take the attitude that you are a depraved and decadent sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing, they will, in return, emulate those values. Children will automatically do the work necessary to avoid entitlement and know that they, too, are a depraved and decadent sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing. Children do have a sinful nature, but that's for them to work on. The role in parents in children's self-improvement is to encourage such personal responsibility in children. But, it only works if YOU, dear parent, have personal responsibility of your own as a parent. That means YOU take ownership of your parenting mistakes, instead of defending your so-called "right" to be imperfect. No parent is perfect, but parents should strive for perfection, knowing they will never get there.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!