Understanding a predatory pedophile - from the inside out

All adults have abused a child, at some point in their adult years. Most adults abuse children by way of using force in a disciplinary manner. I myself am not one of those adults. I am an adult who has sexually abused multiple children in the form of antisocial "flirt". I flirted with children when I was an adult and when I was still a child myself as an adult. 

This platform is under investigation by the Reading, Pennsylvania Police Department and the Pennsylvania State Police, based on a sexual assault that I committed against my female cousin who is four years younger than me. I "freshened up" her sides as I was kneeling over her on a bed in the attic of my grandparent's house. Such is considered sexual assault according to my current Christian standards, and thus a form of fornication and self-defilement. My choices towards my cousin were defiled in nature. I deserved to be investigated by the police, as what I did could be construed as summary harassment. 

I myself was once a career abuser and sexual offender of children, like train cars and not a wad or string. I was an obvious abuser, but since I appeared autistic, everyone cut me a break. In one case, I approached a 9-year-old girl when I was 16, and asked her for her number. She declined, but I kept following her around the pool deck like a sick puppy. There are a reason why child predators like me are called sick puppies - that's how we act when in abuser mode. I talked about the 9-year-old victim all the time, everywhere I went, and didn't care what other people thought. Most people didn't care, on the other side of things, and chalked it up to my developmental level.

There are two types of pedophile that abuse children, the really big ones and the really little ones. Most predatory pedophiles are not power and influence abusers, but are vulnerability abusers who use their autistic vulnerability as a poker chip to get what they want. I was that abuser, and once an abuser, always an abuser.

I violated my own Christian beliefs then, before I ever was a Christian. I was a toxic atheist who thought he was a good person, and thus didn't see the error of my ways. The Greek root word denoting fornication is πορνεία (Latin: porneia) and refers to any sexual contact outside of marriage, by the perception of the complainant. I approached young girls with the intent to procure them for a romantic friendship - where I would use the friendship for romantic reasons. Then, when the child victims perceived my approach, it became fornication by way of sexual assault. It was a one-sided "relationship" that used an otherwise valid friendship for romantic purposes. 

Most pedophiles have abused a child, if you go back far enough in their life, meaning usually as teenagers. Usually, a predatory pedophile seeks out friendship with a child with the intent to use them for romantic purposes, which is a form of sexual entitlement. Most non-offending pedophiles friend children in a different way, where they purge the crush by way of rules of evidence. Romantic feelings go away easily if you convince yourself that romance is not even a possibility. I didn't know that then, meaning my thinking was distorted enough that I believed I could have some distant/close romantic relationship with a child just by being friends with them, and that flirting was okay since it didn't constitute a sex crime under Pennsylvania law.

My main crime was that I was a flirt with the young girls, in a way that was sexually amoral and impure. I committed the offense of antisocial "flirt", which is a form of fornication where you flirt with the wrong people, in the wrong context. In the case of children, it is flirting with children at all. Flirting with children is a summary offense here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania if the child victim takes the course of conduct - meaning the flirting - serious enough to make a report of summary harassment to their local police jurisdiction. 

I am grateful for the forgiveness of my victims, as I deserve none of it for being the depraved and decadent sinner that I am. I am a sex offender, yet they forgive me? Maybe they say they weren't offended, but I'm sure God is offended by what I did, and that's what makes what I did a sexual offense.