Independence: Why the biblical goal for parenting is independence (not obedience)

Many parents think the point of parenting is to get children to listen. This is a common goal for American parents. Most American parents want their children to listen right now, and falsely cite the Bible for that parenting aim. The fact of the matter is that the goal of parenting in biblical times was not children listening on cue, but instead children being independent and self-reliant. 

Independence in children comes from Christian attachment parenting, which is based on the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to their children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, including the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up this legal context in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child.

What is the path to children being as independent as possible? Healthy dependence. This healthy dependence comes in the form of a secure attachment. Mothers form this secure attachment by way of providing for them nourishment and sustenance, in skin-on-skin format. Mothers in biblical times provided for their children nourishment and sustenance, by way of providing for children attachment parenting items such as breastfeeding and skin-on-skin comfort. This comfort was constant with young children, with children even co-sleeping in the bed of their parents. 

But, when children reached a certain age, they insisted on doing things on their own. It was at this point that Jewish and Christian fathers in the Bible encouraged lavishly bold feats of independence in children. The push to shake off the warmth of parents came out of nowhere. The reason children insisted on independence on their own was because children had all their needs met. When children have all their needs met, including attachment needs, they can come to the point where they can shake off the closeness of parents on their own.

When applying this context, dear parents, DO NOT repriand or push off children for things such as trying to help you cook. Instead, teach them how to use kitchen appliances and utensils safely, using hand over hand assistance if you think it would be necessary. Children may be interested in other chores around the house, and they may interrupt you in the process. Use this interruption as a teaching moment for them, and show them the right way to clean up the house. Even with boys, in the biblical context, the good men often cooked for their wives, and did everything in between for them. So, cooking is not just for girls.

Children are born with a natural drive to become as independent as possible. It starts with them wanting to walk on their own. That means your child as a will, but in a good way, because they need that will to push to be more independent. For the first few years, you will have a very dependent child who will cry for you and your loving attention, if only that. Then, come adolescence, they will push to do everything on their own. This natural drive is hastened when a child receives everything they need, including all of their attachment needs. So, never ignore a crying child, of any age, and always respond to the cries of a child with love for the child. All children cry for the same reason a baby does - they need love and attention!

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!