Teaching children manners: How to teach children good Christian manners - without spanking or punishment

Many parents want to teach their children manners. This is a common desire amongst American parents. Most American parents want to teach their children manners. Most American parents think that pootr manners are deserving of reprimand. The fact of the matter is that YOU as the parent need to have good manners, and a secure attachment with your child, in order to teach your child good Christian manners.

Manners are a natural show of gratitude in a person, and come from a conditioning based on Christian discipline. Christian discipline is gratitude-based, meaning it is deserving of absolutely nothing, thereby grateful for absolutely everything. Good discipline leads to good manners. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long upon the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργιζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the Ephesian church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers here to modeling discipline to your child. Christian discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, and grateful for absolutely everything, to the point of a grateful and chastened up example for children to follow. Gratitude is the basis for all our Christian manners as a society. We say "please" and "thank you" to show gratitude when asking for something politely. When children absorb the doctrine of Christian discipline in parents to the degree that they need to in order to thrive in today's society, they automatically pick up on important skills in manners that they learn.

Children will not learn manners overnight. But, if you have good Christian manners, and the discipline to motivate it, children will learn how to have manners as well. Most childhood behaviors that most parents would consider "naughty" are actually developmentally appropriate behaviors given their age and developmental level. This includes omissions of manners. They don't have manners simply because they are still at a point of development where they cannot absorb the doctrine of Christian manners, otherwise they would have and would be using manners. There is no reason to instruct a child for not using manners. Let them demand things from you, as they are only little once. 

Children in the Early Church were in the providing custody of their parents, primarily to their mothers, and secondarily to their fathers. Mothers in the Early Church formed a secure attachment with their children, and did so by providing for them nourishment and sustenance, namely using attachment parenting items such as breastfeeding and skin-on-skin comfort. During the first 6 years of a child's life, they were in constant closeness with mothers, never leaving her side, being wrapped up next to her bosom in swaddling blankets when out and about. Around age 6, children started exploring the terrain more, venturing further and further from home (checking in with mom first). But, when children were tired or exhausted from all that playing and exploring, they returned to the closeness of mothers. This cycle repeated until children were fully grown up at age 13 and were baptized into the church as adult believers. Then, children completely shook off the closeness of parents, and did everything on their own, reaching maturity. This sort of secure attachment is what made a parent's example of Christian discipline and manners credible to children.

Discipline, in the Christian faith, is based on gratitude. The key to teaching manners and gratitude is showing gratitude yourself, which requires the proper discipline to back it up. Parents are to be convicted of the fact that they are a depraved and decadent sinner deserving of absolutely nothing, thus should be grateful for absolutely everything. When children see you do the mental work to effect that attitude adjustment, they will do the work as well. Christian discipline is defined as deserving of absolutely nothing, and grateful for absolutely everything. When you deprive yourself of everything you have by way of an undeserving attitude, you become grateful for everything you already have.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!