Respect: Why parents need to earn respect in parenting

Many, if not most, parents want their children to respect them. This is a common desire amongst American parents. Most American parents demand respect from their children, in an entitled and demanding way. The fact of the matter, however, is that respect is earned in life, and that includes in parenting. Respect is not handed out for free, but is earned by parents providing for their children.

Gaining respect from children can be done using the framework of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. Parents give respect, and then children give it back in return. But, what is Christian respect for parents, as understood in context? See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children as they would to God, ecpectimg absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Paretns are to submit to their children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceiived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibitng all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishmemt was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul,contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

Respect for parents was a concept in biblical times, but referred not to fear of pumishment, but to closeness to, and fondness of, parents. A child simply was to be close to parents, with that closneness facilitated by parents early on in life, meaning during the child's formative years. This was done using attachment parenting. Children were never punished for talking back, and, in fact, talking back was seen as a sign of respect, as children then respected parents - in the eye of the parent then - enough to be completely honest with them about their emotions.

Children were in the providing custody of their parents, primarily of their mother, and secondarily of their father. Children, during the first 6 years of their life, were in constant closeness to their mothers, never leaving her side, being wrapped up next to her bosom in swaddling blankets, perhaps suckling her teat if milk-hungry. Around the age of 6, children started to explore the terrain, playing with other children, venturing further and further from home. But, when children needed rest, they returned to mothers in order to rechatge, with mothers serving as home base. Children became securely attached to fathers through their mothers, learning how to be attached to a father figure through how they related to their mother. Fathers made themselves at home through masturbatory fantasy about their children, with this pro-social fantasy enhancing the friendship between father and child, with fathers then being physically affectionate in a gentle, warm way, not a rough and tumble way. This sort of cloreness was seen as a respectful parent-child relationship in biblical times.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger will not inheirt the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!