Independence: Why independence is the true goal in biblical parenting (not obedience)

Many parents have a goal in parenting. Most American parents want children to be obedient and compliant. However, this was not the goal of parenting in Ancient Jewish homes, including Early Christian homes. Most Christian parents in the Bible wanted their children to be independent. In order to have healthy independence, you need to have healthy dependence on parents.

True independence taught to children occurs within the context of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yer from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating them as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child. Paul advocated on behalf of children a lot in his writings.

Independence was the main goal of parenting in the Bible, not obedience or compliance. Healthy independence comes from healthy dependence on parents. For the first 6 years of a child's life in biblical times, they were in constant closeness to mothers, either by way of ranging beside mothers, or being worn by mothers in swaddling blankets when out and about. When children attained the age of 6, they started to shake off the closeness and intimacy that they had with mothers especially, venturing further and further away from the family home, playing in streets and fields with other children. But, they always went back to mothers, with mothers being home base for children to rest in and recharge.

During the first 6 years of the child's life, mothers in biblical times provided for children nourishment and sustenance. This form of sustaining warmth readied children for the real world. Children want to be independent on their own, when left to their own devices, but need to be in the loving arms of mothers for the first 6 years of life in order to have all their needs met before choosing to be independent. The less a child is nurtured in their formative years, the less they will want to be independent later on. This is simply something hardwired into our human nature.

When a father sees his child becoming independent on their own, he is to encourage and lavishly praise his child in their bold feats of independence. The more the child shows initiative to become independent from parents, the more the father is supposed to praise lavishly and encourage bold feats of independence. Boldness, period, was seen as a sign of independence, and was cultivated by fathers through loving encouragement to guide children into becoming as independent as possible.

Skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy during the first 6 years of life is ultimately what element of closeness in attachment parenting is what prepares children for the real world, meaning what prepares them for being as independent as possible. Think like charging a battery. A battery runs on its own, without an electrical socket, but in order to run, it needs charging. Children work the same way, until they become unlike a battery and can charge themselves. Skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy with mothers charges them right up like new, as does breastfeeding. Only stop breastfeeding once the child pushes away the nipple, which should communicate to mothers that they can move on to solid foods. Early Christian mothers breastfed for as long as the child needed it, meaning until they got pushed away by the baby. A child as old as age 6 was a baby to the ancients. All of this closeness is what charged up the battery in the children, and made them ready for independence.

Ancient Israel was a society that valued self-reliance and independence, meaning the earned worth of the individual. Individuals earned their worth by becoming as independent as possible. Independence and self-reliance were considered virtues in Ancient Jewish culture, including the Early Church. Obedience was simply taken for granted as a part of life, and children learned how to be obedient by watching their parents. What was really encouraged in Christian homes in the Early Church was independence and self-reliance. The more a child did on their own, the more prized their child was. Children were seen as capable of great things, even if it was as little as cooking their own meals, which children naturally were curious about when they followed mothers around in the kitchen.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!