Independence: Why independence is the true goal of biblical parenting

Many parents think that the goal of parenting is to get children to obey in the moment, and that such was the parenting of the ancients. Most American parents believe that the biblical context endorses obedience as a goal for children. However, the fact of the matter is that independence was the number one goal for parents in biblical times. That should be the case today.

Learning independence in biblical times involved the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. Parents are to be submissive to children, just as mankind is to be submissive to God, with parents being the enemy of them/Him. In return, children are to rest safely and securely in the love and submission of parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commmandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating them as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up this legal context in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child.

The main goal of parents in biblical times was not obedience or submission to parents, but independence from parents. This started with healthy dependence. Mothers provided for children nourishment and sustenance, namely attachment parenting items such as breastfeeding and skin-on-skin comfort. The core of Christian attachment parenting in the 1st Century was skin-on-skin co-sleeping, with even older children sleeping next to mothers in skin-on-skin format. The first sign of independence was when children insisted on sleeping in their own bed, which they did all on their own. From there, fathers lavishly praised and encouraged bold feats of independence. Children then reverently rebelled by insisting on doing things on their own, and that rebellion was, too, lavishly encouraged by fathers. 

Children usually want to be independent. But, they become independent faster when they have all of their needs met, including all of their attachment needs. Closeness with mothers prepares children for being as independent as possible, as something in our natural development as human beings requires closeness and intimacy with mothers as a prerequisite to becoming more independent and taking on the world. The more closeness and intimacy children receive from their mothers, the more independent they will be late in childhood, in adolescence, and in adulthood.

Children naturally are curious and want to become independent, usually when they are older. The first 6 years is where they need closeness and intimacy with mothers, in skin-on-skin format. When they are older, they will want to do things such as help out in the kitchen. Instead of shooing them away from hot stoves, teach them how to use the stove the right way. Same with the microwave. Same with the oven. Maybe teach them how to cook. Boys can cook as well, as the best of husbands in the Early Church cooked for their wives. Plus, some boys have the gift of celibacy, perhaps due to abnormal sexuality or even just personal preference, and so they can benefit from learning how to cook. From there, the child's curiosity should move onto other household chores, such as vaccuuming and cleaning countertops. Hand-over-hand instruction is acceptable in teaching children chores.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!