Zero expectations in parenting: Why parents should have preferences for their children instead

Most parents think that children need expectations. It is a common belief among punitive parents in particular that children need high expectations, and that this setup makes parenting run smoother. The fact of the matter is that parents are not entitled to expectations. Expectations lead to entitled anger and frustration when your neighbor does not live up to your expectations for him/her. Children, in biblical times, were seen as your neighbor.

The Greek root word denoting entitlement, including parental entitlement, in the New Testament, and cross-referencing the Tenth Commandment, is πλεονέκτης (Latin: pleonektés) and refers to, officially speaking, wanting things from children, to the point of imposition. Unofficially speaking, this word refers to wanting things from children, period. It is not good to want anything in life, but since we all want something as depraved and decadent human beings, it is good to ask politely and appropriately. It is good to ask politely and appropriately from children as well. Ask, and you shall receive from children. Demand, and you get nothing but resentment. Expectations are a form of demanding your way in relation to children. What are you going to do when children don't meet expectations? Are you going to throw an entitled temper tantrum? Whenever you are angry at a child for not meeting expectations, you are entitled.

True Christian love for a child carries no expectations, meaning love does not insist on its way. The Greek root word denoting Christian love in the New Testament is αγαπαο (Latin: agapao) and refers to prioritizing everyone else first, and yourself last. Love is not merely a feeling or action, but a state of being for the Christian, where the needs of everyone else come first, and yours come last. Love comes not from pride, but a place of conviction, where you come to the knowledge that you are a depraved and decadent sinner deserving of absolutely nothing, leading to the sinner paying due penance for their sin nature by serving their neighbor...and children are your neighbor! The Early Christians treated children as their neighbor, not their enemy. Parents are to submit to their children as the enemy of their child, just as mankind is the enemy of God, being subservient to children just as they would Him, atoning for their adult sin nature by paying due penance towards the child's needs, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, sacrificing for their children, just as Christ sacrificed for His children, with children being a Godhead in the home, and children resting securely in the sacrifice of parents. Parents are to sacrifice for their children, just as Christ sacrificed for God, expecting absolutely nothing in return from children or others.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, coming from entitlement. This commandment was understood by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a prohibition against all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishment or controlling demeanor towards a child. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children too many times, and receiving many warnings that their punitive parenting habits were in violation of the Law. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things they did wrong. Paul here was lifting up the Law to a group of Greek Christians who brought their pagan custom of spanking children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child. Paul was educating Greek and Roman newcomers to the Christian Church about proper Jewish parenting, as the Early Christians were considered a sect of Judaism then.

Preferences are things you want for your child, such as food, water, shelter, and good behavior. Expectations are these same preferences imposed on a child. When you have too many expectations for someone else, including children, you fall into entitled anger and frustration when they don't do as you expected. So, why have expectations at all for children? Why not just state your preferences and leave children to form their own expectations for themselves.

What is stating your preferences, compared to imposing expectations? The Greek root word denoting setting limits in the New Testament is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and, in context, refers to setting limits by stating a preference to a child. This means giving an instruction to a child, but not expecting them to follow it. If they don't follow it, it should be righteously assumed that they didn't understand what was being asked of them. Christian limit setting such as this is simply asking things from children out of the bottom of your heart, as parents, under the Law, are unable to give lawful and binding orders. Children instead have the power to give lawful and binding orders as to what they need, and whatever a child asks for, find a way to give it to them. But, if a parent both asks a child politely and appropriately for what they want of a child, and treat the child with love and respect otherwise, they should have no problems getting children to listen. Children listen not because they have to, but because they want to. Just state your preferences, and then leave children alone. Only impose onto them in emergency situations where they are endangering themselves or others, and even then, a child who is being aggressive can be dealt with using selfless tactics.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!