Obedience: Why fear is not a component in true obedience to parents

Many parents want an obedient child. This is a common goal of Christian parenting in the United States. Most parents want cooperation from children, in the form of obedience. Obedience should never be a short-term goal in parenting, but it can be a long-term goal. True obedience does not involve fear of punishment, but rather closeness or affinity to parents.

The Fifth Commandment is repeated in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. It is rest in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. True obedience is secure, vulnerable rest in parents, leading to trusting parents enough to listen to them. The Apostle Paul here is saying to trust in parents enough to listen to them later in life. Ultimately, this commandment calls for a secure parent-child bond leading to cooperation, and then compliance later on. This commandment lifts up Jewish customary laws in the Old Testament, and church ordinance in the New Testament, that commands a secure bond with a child through attachment parenting means, meaning attachment parenting of some sort is commanded in the Bible.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, including the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishment or controlling demeanor towards a child. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing children too many times, and receiving many warnings that their parenting was out of compliance with the Law. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined as the slightest of damage or offense stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen then as holding your child hostage merely for things they did wrong. Paul was lifting up this historical legal context to a group of Greek Christians who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. No such custom existed among the Early Christians, as the Early Christians practiced attachment parenting, and shunned all worldly forms of parenting that involved violence or entitlement of any kind.

Mothers, in biblical times, were primarily charged with the care and protection of children. Mothers did not spank or punish their children in order to gain cooperation. They instead used skin-on-skin comforting strategies to gain cooperation from children. This included skin-on-skin co-sleeping, skin-on-skin co-snuggling, and skin-on-skin co-mingling. The goal of parenting in biblical times was to form a secure parent-child bond where children cooperated automatically, not out of fear, but because they feel close to their parents, thus trust that parents know what is best for them. Respect for parents was a biblical concept, but respect for parents was based off of closeness, not fear of punishment. 

Children in biblical times cried whenever they needed something. Crying in children of all ages was dealt with the same way as an infant's cries were dealt with. Children cried, and parents responded to the cries of children by providing for the needs of children. Children cried a lot because they felt safe doing so in the presence of parents. This safe feeling also led to listening to the instructions of parents other times. Children could confess anything into parents, and not fear punishment, leading to openness and honesty in children. Crying led to skin-on-skin comforting strategies by parents in biblical times. 

Skin-on-skin co-sleeping was the main source of closeness between parents and children. Children in biblical times never wore clothing, and mothers only wore clothing when leaving the home. Children slept next to mothers, which formed a close bond between mother and child. Co-sleeping of this type was not just for infants then, but for children of all ages that needed it. Skin-on-skin co-sleeping is the most time-honored of parenting tactics to elicit cooperation from children. The closeness between mother and child led to children cooperating with mothers as children, and complying with parents as young adults. 

Skin-on-skin comforting strategies lead to a stop in crying in children within 1-2 minutes in most children, in which case you can then talk to your child about what is wrong. Skin-on-skin comforting strategies involve placing the child on the bosom of mothers, which is a natural way to lull a child to relaxation. Children in biblical times were held close to the bosom of mothers, with children being naturally lulled to relaxation by the skin-to-skin contact. Skin-on-skin comforting strategies are a quick way to gain cooperation from children without spanking or punishment. Children can simply be placed on the bosom through clothing, with this having the same calming effect on children.

Biblical obedience to parents is not borne out of fear of punishment at all. It is borne out of the concept of secure attachment, in which case children vulnerably trust parents, and then automatically heed instruction based on that secure trust in parents. Obedience to parents is when you feel so safe in their presence that you listen to them automatically, not asking questions, just going with the flow. Fear of punishment is not the best motivator for cooperation with parents, as it breeds resentment. Cooperation and compliance should be based on closeness. Biblical obedience to parents is feeling close to parents to the point of automatically going along with their instructions. It isn't fearfully heeding a forceful command, but going along with the instructions of parents automatically.

Parents can teach obedience as a value just by lecturing. Once children obtain trust in parents, parents can point out who to obey in life other than parents. Your boss or superior should be obeyed. The police and other law enforcement should be obeyed. The law itself should be obeyed. Your neighbor should be obeyed as well. Lawful submission to higher authority is different than obedience, in the biblical tense, as it involves some reverence to a lawful authority. Lawful submission is denoted by the Greek root word υποτασσο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to loyalty to a higher authority to the point of willful submission to said higher authority. Loyalty to the higher authorities can be instilled in children by an ongoing conversation about heeding to higher authorities. If children trust you first, they will obey who you tell them to. Submission to higher authorities should be something encouraged, not an excuse to punish children.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever in to the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!