Why children don't need to be disciplined (parents do)

Many parents think that their children need to be disciplined. This is a common belief among parents in the United States. The belief is that children act up because they are "asking for it" in terms of discipline such as spanking and other forms of punishment. The fact of the matter is that children don't need discipline - parents do.

The Greek root word denoting entitlement in the New Testament, and cross-referencing the Tenth Commandment, is πλεονέκτης (Latin: pleonektés) and refers officially to parental entitlement, meaning want of or from a child, to the point of imposition. Unofficially, it refers to any wants from a child coming from a parent or other adult. Don't we all want something from a child as depraved and entitled adults? The idea is to stifle these wants, and seek to want nothing from children, and only ask from them occasionally.

On the other hand, the Greek root word παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to a specific standard of Christian discipline that starts with an admission of your depraved sin nature as a parent, leading to the Christian parent being entitled to nothing from children, and grateful for everything in relation to children, chastening up parents in the Lord, with parents being good role models for children (see Eph. 6:4). Children naturally want to be like parents, and so they follow the example of parents, and become more disciplined automatically if the parents show discipline. Thus, it isn't children that should watch their big emotions - parents should chasten up their big emotions, and act in a peaceable and orderly way at all times, as if children are watching, because they are.

The centerpiece of an attached Christian parenting relationship is Christian love, as denoted in the New Testament by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao). This word refers to prioritizing children first, and yourself as a parent last, in a convicted way leading to dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the good works of parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. This form of respect for parents does not come from fearful compliance, but instead comes from restful trust in parents, with children feeling safe telling parents anything and everything that is on their mind, including admissions of wrongdoing and non-conforming traits, expecting absolutely no punishment or reprisal in return from parents. Children, in this loving and affirming environment, will want to take after a parent, be like parents, and then follow the example of parents. Children won't get it right away in terms of the example of parents, as they are destined to engage in childish behavior that is seen by many people as "bad", yet is understandable given their age and developmental level. Children eventually will listen to the example of parents. Children tend to follow the bad traits of parents before emulating the good traits.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, namely child abuse in this context. Child abuse, under biblical law, at minimum, is defined as the slightest of personal offenses perceived by the child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child, coming from entitlement. In this commandment, the Apostle Paul was lifting up the Law against punishment and controlling demeanor towards children, rebuking Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking children into the church. Christian parents of Greek origin were misusing the book of Proverbs as a means to justify their punishment habits even in the 1st Century, when this passage was written. Paul was warning parents in the Colossian church that Proverbs is simply wisdom literature - a list of wise sayings - and not a parenting manual. The rod verses - all seven of them that depict the rod - do not discuss raising children at all, but depict an ancient, archaic legal practice within Judaism in the Old Testament, where a father was subpoenaed to issue 40 minus 1 lashes to an ADULT child as a warning that any repeat offending in terms of capital offenses would result in immediate execution. Putting a father on the stand against his own child was hard to do, as parents were unwilling and hostile witnesses against their children, hence the need for a court order to whip a child. These harsh punishments were rarely carried out in the Old Testament, and never in the Early Church. The Early Christian churches relied on pro-social non-association for law enforcement, with physical punishment only existing rarely as a form of mutual accountability between spouses. Wives were spanked on rare occasions in the Early Church, as wives were legal subjects to their husband. Children were not legal subjects at all, so they could not be spanked.

Most behaviors that children in America are punished for are developmentally appropriate, meaning understandable given their age and development. It is good to let go of certain behaviors that only bother YOU as the parent, and not the child or anyone else, and respond to other behaviors - such as crying and whining - with empathy and compassion. Most problematic behavior is simply a phase, and children grow out of that phase in due time. When they do not grow out of it, it is a sign of a developmental disability such as autism or ADHD. 

Children don't need to be disciplined. They need love, meaning their attachment needs met. All children cry for the same reason that an infant cries. Maybe even a 7- or 8-year-old will want to be held by mom, in which case they can be held in the bosom of the mother. Children in biblical times didn't leave the side of mothers up until age 6, and even after that, never left their parents' line of sight. Children need a secure parent-child bond, not "techniques" designed to control them. Techniques stop the behavior as a quick fix, but leave lasting harm and resentment. Children need to learn how to control themselves, because parents won't be there forever. Children need a secure, loving environment where they can learn to take after the example of parents, and be allowed to develop freely, in the loving presence of parents and other family members.

Parents need to discipline themselves. Parental entitlement comes in two expressions - parent anger, and parent attraction. Both need to be stifled. Before you say anything to your child, take your temperature, and if you are angry, walk away and talk another time once you have stifled the anger. Tell yourself that you are a sinner that is entitled to nothing from your child, whenever your child frustrates you. Sometimes, parents and adults feel attracted to a child, in which case, in the moment, it should ALWAYS be stifled, and then taken elsewhere - behind closed doors, and with the shades down. As you get in the habit of masturbating to fantasies of your child, you get out of the habit of wanting them in real life sexually. Strive to want nothing from your child, and whenever you find yourself seeking to demand from a child, do the opposite of what you want to do, and force yourself. Then, keep forcing yourself until non-entitlement is natural. It is good to surrender to a Higher Power as a parent that guides your chastisement of yourself as well.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast in to the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!