Autism and co-morbid disorders: How to deal with aggression (pro-social vulnerability, pro-social crying/punching bag)

Many parents face it every day. They get hit. They get slapped. They get kicked or bit. Aggression is a behavior associated with autism. However, most aggressive behavior in autism is from a co-morbid mental disorder in the child.

It is a fact that most childhood aggression in a child with autism is not because of the autism, but because of co-morbid disorders, except in cases where the child is non-verbal and lashes out aggressively in order to communicate. Common disorders that cause aggressive symptoms in a child with autism are bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, ADHD, and OCD. Most of the time, children need medication for their aggressive symptoms. Autism itself is a docile condition in most cases - it is the co-morbid mental disorders associated with the autism that make children with autism fly off the handle. Medication is crucial in these cases, and before the child can be properly medicated (which takes a few years, on average), the child needs less structure, more time to be themselves, and for parents to be patient until the proper medication, at the proper dosage, is found. I myself am medicated for childhood bipolar disorder, and I can attest that it is not something that can be melded by "more structure". Children like I was need less structure, and more free time to be themselves.

The centerpiece of an attached Christian parenting relationship is Christian Agape love for children, which is denoted in the New Testament by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao) and refers to prioritizing children first, and yourself last as a parent, in a convicted way leading to dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return from children or others, with children resting safely and securely in the good works of parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. This form of respect for parents does not come from fearful compliance, but from restful trust, with children feeling safe in confiding into parents anything and everything that is on their mind, including admissions of wrongdoing or non-conforming traits. This word implies the Judeo-Christian custom of attachment parenting. In the case of an aggressive child, this would include vulnerability tactics such as incurring aggression onto oneself as a child.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, especially child abuse in this context. Child abuse, under biblical law, at minimum, is defined as the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or imprisonment. This commandment is understood in context as prohibiting all forms of punishment and controlling demeanor towards children, including seclusion and unnecessary restraint in the modern context. The Apostle Paul was simply lifting up the Law on theft and kidnapping that prohibited punitive parenting, rebuking Greek Christians for bringing their pagan custom of spanking children into the church. The Greek Christian parents were misusing the book of Proverbs to justify their punishment habits. Paul would have none of it, and excommunicated the Greek Christians who used punishment instead of the attachment parenting customary in Jewish and Christian circles. Attachment parenting was the established norm in both the Old and New Testaments, meaning customary law then required that parents have a secure parent-child bond with their children.

What does one do when a child is aggressive? In biblical times, parents who had aggressive children incurred the aggression onto themselves, then crying in the midst of the aggression. This was a vulnerability tactic used by mothers in biblical times, and also fathers. At the end of every Christian parent's rope then was a ball of tears. Children didn't take advantage of the crying, but were then alarmed by what they did, and took steps to make amends with parents. Children with aggressive issues usually snap out of their aggressive phase when an adult cries. They are more scared than even you are.

The way to avoid most aggression is to listen and validate emotions just as they are ramping up. Language such as "I can tell you are upset, so let's talk about it" is crucial in preventing rage attacks or meltdowns. Many times, a child behaves a certain way due to wanting attention. So, why not just give them attention of the quality sort, as opposed to false encouragement often feared by adults. Most Jewish and Christian parents in biblical times listened to the upset of children, and even heeded the orders of children.

Again, this advice can be used in a school setting. I support laws allowing to put their hands on a child to calm them down and reassure them. Teachers are parents in loco parentis to students, and a good parent is willing to hug and snuggle with their child when the child is having a hard time. Here in Pennsylvania, special education law, and state law in general, allows for teachers to hug or embrace a child who is upset or ramping up. Such is another attachment parenting strategy that could be used in the classroom right when a child is ramping up. Vulnerability tactics should be a last resort, for when a child is already escalated.

The depraved and entitled parents will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!