Punishment of children: Why it is sin (proper limit setting)

Many parents think that punishment is the right way to set limits with children. The common way that lawful child abuse against children goes is that a child is first warned about a behavior, then is punished in some way when the behavior continues. Sometimes, it is several warnings, but punishment of a child is sin according to biblical law.

The concept of Christian love is denoted by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao) and refers to being convicted of the every need of one's child with reverent fear, putting children first, and parents last, to the point of dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every need, expecting absolutely nothing in return from children or others, with children resting safely and securely in parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. This form of surrender of children to parents doesn't come from fearful compliance, but instead involves children surrendering to the loving arms of children, being able to tell parents anything and everything under the sun that is on your mind, including confessions of wrongdoing, expecting absolutely no punishment or reprisal in return from parents. Parents were seen in biblical times as bondservants beholden to the every need of a child, with children being their master and slaveholder, and parents being the figurative property of children, meaning tools to use for comfort and sustenance. There are five categories of children's needs; food, water, shelter, transportation, and attachment - and the greatest is attachment.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, namely child abuse in this context, or the slightest of personal offenses perceived by the child, including the slightest of offensive touch or speech. In this commandment, the Apostle Paul was lifting up the Law on punishment and controlling demeanor towards children, rebuking Greek Christians who had a punishment habit towards their children. Punishment and controlling demeanor towards children was dealt with severely in biblical times, with punitive parents being sentenced to death in the Old Testament, and were excommunicated from church communities in the Early Church. The seven verses in Proverbs that depict the rod are repealed verses, meaning the passages in question are only relevant to the cultural and legal context in question. This is because the verses reference a specific, dated form of judicial corporal punishment that is closely conflated with the death penalty in Ancient Israel - the 40 minus 1 lashes with the rod of correction, as a final warning before an errant ADULT son was put to death, administered to the bare back (NOT the buttocks) in a courtroom setting, after adequate due process in a criminal court of law leading to a conviction. MINOR children could not be whipped because a whipping required court approval, and minor age was a legal defense then for any criminal act or civil wrong. Punishment is a sin in every respect when imposed on children, as it is perceived as offensive by children, and there are better ways of dealing with misbehavior than punishment.

Limit setting should not include punishment at all. All children need instructions from parents now and then, but instructions should have no backup plan except maybe logical consequences. Most children are punished for behavior that is developmentally appropriate given the child's age and developmental level. It is normal for a child to cry, even when unprovoked by circumstances. It is normal for older children and even preteen children to whine. It is normal for teenagers to roll their eyes at you when they feel cornered. How do you respond? With empathy, of course, to every childhood behavior. Sometimes, this means giving children space to be themselves and letting go of a behavior that only annoys you (not the child or anyone else).

How should limits be set? For example, a child might play outside in the rain, or after a rainstorm, and then track mud into the house. You can set the boundary that shoes are to be taken off when entering the house. However, they may not get it the first time, so you let it go. Eventually, they will remember to take their shoes off, once their brain allows it. When they are little, just clean up after them and don't fuss. You admonished them once, now let it go because they don't understand the instruction given. Give instructions in a way that can be questioned or not followed, using "please" to indicate prior gratitude and "thank you" to indicate reciprocal gratitude. Chances are, they will remember what you said later, and get into the habit themselves. Some children need extra reminders, namely those with autism or ADHD, but with most children, one warning is enough, and then let it sink in. DO NOT share them for their freedom by making them clean it up, as that is not a logical consequence.

Logical consequences are consequences prompted by the nature of the behavior in a child. A child who runs into a busy street prompts a parent to rush in, pick them up, and then hold them close. Holding a child close, in that situation, is how you keep them safe - otherwise they'd simply keep going into the street. If there is a ball they are chasing after, pitch it back to the children to play with. These are all logical consequences when properly used. Improper use of logical consequences is making a child clean up after themselves when they make a mess. You can ask them to, but they may not want to, in which case YOU are the parent entrusted in their care, and thus YOU need to get out the towels and the mop and clean up after your own child, since they demonstrate in their refusal that they aren't ready to clean up their own messes. Don't fuss about it. Give up the fight. Clean up after your child, as a child is too young to clean up after themselves until they take up that initiative on their own. Usually, children pick up these habits on their own.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!