Independence versus compliance: Why independence was the long-term goal of parents in the Bible

Many parents misunderstand what God wants for them in terms of parenting. It is a common belief that biblical parenting requires the use of punishment and force, including corporal punishment. The fact of the matter is that parents in biblical times had different priorities than immediate compliance. The short-term goal was closeness, and the long-term goal was independence.

Christian love is denoted in the New Testament by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao) and refers to parent conviction of the child's every vulnerable need, then putting children first, and parents last, to the point of dutiful and selfless submission, expecting absolutely nothing in return from children or others, with children resting safely and securely in parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. This is a form of surrender to parents not coming from fearful compliance, but from restful surrender into the loving arms of parents. Closeness was the short-term goal of Christian parents in the 1st Century, meaning parents sought to be close with their children. The goal of the closeness was to allow for the child's development to usher through, leading to independence at an early age. Parents were bondservants beholden to their children, righteously enslaved to their every need. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, namely child abuse in this context. This word refers to the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including the slightest of offensive touch or speech, coming from entitlement. In this commandment, the Apostle Paul is lifting up the Law on punishment and controlling demeanor towards children, rebuking Greek Christians who had a punishment habit towards their children. Punitive parenting was dealt with severely under the Law, with punitive parents in the Old Testament being executed by way of bloodletting (hanging parents up like poultry). Parents who punished or were controlling with their children in the Early Christian context were excommunicated from their home parish. The seven verses dealing with the rod of correction are repealed verses, meaning these passages are only relevant to the cultural and legal context in which they were given to. This is because the rod verses do not speak of any "biblical spanking" but instead a dated form of judicial corporal punishment closely conflated with the death penalty in Ancient Israel - the 40 minus 1 lashes with the rod of correction, as a final warning before putting a law-breaking ADULT son to death, administered to the bare back and not the buttocks, after adequate due process leading to a criminal conviction in a court of law. MINOR children could not be whipped nor punished for anything, as they were deemed incompetent to stand trial for criminal acts or civil wrongs that they committed - their parents were instead put on trial. In the Early Church, apart from contractual mutual accountability between spouses, corporal punishment was absent from church discipline. Christians were forbidden by church leadership from participating in Roman executions and floggings.

Independence was the goal of every Hebrew and Christian parent in the Bible. Self-reliance was seen in the biblical context as a trait more worthy than compliance to authority. Closeness was the way biblical parents cultivated independence in children. Children remained in close vicinity to parents, not leaving their mother's side for the first 6 years of life, then slowly shaking away the providence of their parents. 

Children were allowed to develop naturally, all the while being in the closeness and safety of parents. Most behavior that children are punished for in modern times is developmentally appropriate and understandable given their age and development. This is because development of a child comes in phases, and the idea is to wait out phases of behavior that only annoy you (meaning not the child or anyone else). Children are going to develop, and the closer they are to parents while doing so, relationally wise, the quicker they will develop. The more a parent punishes, the more the child is not allowed to grow up naturally, and thus the more stagnant the development. Closeness with parents, particularly including things such as skin-to-skin closeness and intimacy, lead children to develop quicker.

Parents protected children from the world until they were older, first holding them close entirely, then allowing them more freedom on a graduated basis, at the child's lead. Children naturally will start out close to parents, but then will want to shake off parents more and more as they get older. That was the case in Ancient Israel and the Early Church, and parents allowed children to show that they were independent. Children naturally, throughout history, have wanted to be independent, on their own. Punitive parenting smothers children with undue and reactionary concern, therefore stifling growth. Parents in biblical times simply allowed children to play freely, as long as they were supervised, and children then were supervised at all times. Then, upon reaching adulthood, even supervision was lifted. Children usually did not want to leave the side of mothers for the first 6 years, only seeking out independence later.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn in the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!