"Honor your parents": Why this does not mean blind compliance

Many parents think the Fifth Commandment is something to hold over children to get them to listen. This is a misuse of Scripture in parenting. The Fifth Commandment has to do with elder abuse, meaning a strong commandment protecting parents. It is not a universal command against any speaking against parents.

The Fifth Commandment states in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Honoring parents then meant not beating, bludgeoning, or raping parents, with rape usually being to send parents on their merry way to do favors for their children. That actually was a problem in the Old Testament context of the Bible. Elder abuse of parents was rampant during the time of Moses, prompting the parent protection laws. The parent protection laws forbid, among other things, any striking of parents, or any gaslighting curse administered to parents. Society then blamed the parents for their abuse, saying that any young man or woman who abused their parents must have been abused by parents, and thus very few adult children were convicted of parent protection offenses. The Fifth Commandment is repeated in the New Testament to both dependent children and children that have moved out.

Christian love is what parents should feel for their children, with this being denoted in the New Testament by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao) and refers to putting children first, and parents last, to the point of dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every need, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting securely and safely in parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, lest they be discouraged. 

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children should be allowed to tell parents anything and everything under the sun, not expecting any punishment or reprisal in return. This is a form of respect where children do not fear or comply with parents, but one that respects parents enough to possibly give them a piece of your mind when you need something with them or have a redress of grievances towards them. Children owe nothing to their parents, but nonetheless will reward good parents with gratuity and by following their example. Attachment parenting was the norm in biblical times. Think a mother holding pales of water, with a young child wrapped up next to her bosom in swaddling blankets, with an older child wrapped to the back of the mother in a papoose bag, with both children in the nude, soaking up skin-to-skin closeness and intimacy with mother, as mother gathers water to cook with and to drink. That was the parenting reality then.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, meaning the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child. The Apostle Paul here was lifting up the Law for Greek Christian parents who followed the punitive parenting customs of Greco-Roman society. Punishing or controlling one's child carried severe penalties, and led to excommunication in the Early Church, and the death penalty in the Old Testament (bloodletting, or hanging up parents like poultry). The seven verses that depict the rod of correction are repealed verses, meaning they are only relevant to the context of the time. This is because these verses do not refer to any "biblical spanking", but to the 40 minus 1 lashes with the rod of correction, as a final warning for an ADULT child who was convicted after adequate due process in a criminal court of law of a capital offense, usually having nothing to do with disrespecting parents. Minor children could not be whipped, as under Jewish law, minor children could not stand trial for criminal offenses or civil wrongs that they committed, meaning children could not be charged or held culpable with a criminal act or civil wrong they committed, with parents answering to the court for their child's mischief when it went overboard and incurred on the rights of a neighbor.

All the Fifth Commandment refers to for minor children is gratuity, meaning a token of gratitude, on a sliding scale based on the performance of the parents. If a parent shows due respect towards a child, they deserve respect in return, meaning not a commandeering form of respect, but a safe and secure form of respect, where parents are a safe place to disclose or confess anything, knowing that you won't be punished for it. It is respect enough to maybe give parents a piece of your mind if the situation calls for it, and then parents will listen and thank you later. Respect is a two-way street, but reverent respect is one way - towards the child. 

Children show their gratuity to parents by the degree they want to be like them, in terms of parental example. A good parent will always garner enough respect for children to want to be like them, mimicking them in their play and their speech. Taking after a parent is the ultimate honor for a parent, for good or for bad. Where ideology lines are uneven, think abuse of some sort. Gratuity in the teenage years is showing admiration and affection for parents, while at the same time shaking them off, wanting to do things on their own, and maybe do a few favors for their parents that they were never asked to do, such as holding the door and paying the tab at the restaurant. 

The more a child isn't punished, the more they will like a parent, and then the more they will want to be like a parent. They won't be able to fully to absorb the example of children, but they will attempt many times to emulate the example of their parents, until they fully take on the example of father and mother, when they are developmentally ready. Most behavior before then is developmentally appropriate, with developmental stagnation being a sign of a developmental disability such as autism or ADHD. The vast majority of behavior that children are punished for in America stems from developmentally appropriate behavior. This behavior can include commonly punished items such as talking back, speaking against parents, and crying for seemingly no reason. Nonetheless, children, at a low level, want to be like their parents, even if they cannot fully show that desire yet. So, we let them order us around and make demands, because they don't know how to "ask politely" and neither is their brain ready to be lectured in that.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn in the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!