The word "no": Why it should be used rarely (avoiding "benign" deprivation)

Many parents think that you have to say "no" frequently to children, shooting down the child's requests with the excuse of "a child has to hear the word 'no' enough in order to learn boundaries", which is the pro-spanking doctrine of "benign" deprivation. Boundaries are best taught without the word "no". The word "no" should be used rarely in the family home.

It says in Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor thy father and mother, as this is the first commandment with promise: May it be well with thee, and thou mayest live long upon the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to setting limits and boundaries with children. This refers to stated warnings that are agreed upon in nature, meaning the parent knows in advance that the child has the developmental and relational will to listen to parents. This means parents should form a parent-child bond. Part of this is curbing use of the word "no", with parents compromising with children more often than parents saying "no". This is weighed by the Greek root word παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to the offenses, namely offenses against children, which means here the slightest of offense perceived by the child, with this including, by the intent of the Apostle Paul's pen, physical or other forms of punishment. Greco-Roman parents relied heavily on spanking and corporal punishment, yet striking or punishing a child for any reason was prohibited under the Law, with all corporal punishment being a summary punishment for a capital offense, meaning in order to get a second chance at life, you had to endure 40 minus 1 lashes in the courtroom, and that was only for an adult offender. When a child violated the Law, the parent had to apologize for the child in court. Corporal punishment wasn't a penalty under church ordinance, and children could not stand trial in a church inquisition. Paul would have none of any spanking or corporal punishment of children in the churches he oversaw as a deacon, so he gave a Divine Command to the Ephesian and Colossian churches prohibiting all punitive parenting attitudes.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, warm rest and trust in the love and grace of parents, just as adult believers rest and trust securely in the love and grace of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. This calls for a pro-social friendship with a child, and you don't tell a friend "no" like they are a dog to train, but compromise with them after a good discussion. Perhaps it is good to disagree with your child, and for them to disagree with you, and then you come to a compromise. Children make demands, parents initially deny, but are open to compromise from the child, or else offer compromise, when a child cannot get exactly what they want. It should be a compromise that either meets the needs of both parties, or else, perhaps with some children with special needs such autism (who are more demanding), children get their way when it simply inconveniences the parent. Preferably the child should get their way to the degree allowable under the circumstances, meaning a firm "no" is usually unnecessary and unnecessarily harsh. Children in biblical times were demanding, and parents compromised a lot, and rarely ever said "no" outright, thus children understood the meaning of the word "no" and could deduce the reason why. Parenting then was attachment-based, and children snuggled with parents and co-slept with them to the level of nudity, in terms of level of intimacy, into adulthood, with mothers and daughters being inseparable until a young woman reached the age of majority. Children up to age 3 were seen as infants behaviorally, and were breastfed as such. Children older than 3 were held next to mother, tucked in her dress, with skin-to-skin closeness between mother and child.

Whenever you set a limit with a child, it is good to cut a child as much slack as possible. If they want to go visit the lake, but it is supposed to rain in the afternoon, go in the morning, or if you don't have time, go some other time. There's no need to say "no" at all in that situation. "No" when firmly stated should be saved for when the child poses an imminent risk of death or serious bodily injury to themselves or others, meaning running into the street requires the parent to pick the child up, and hold them until they don't want to leave your arms, and don't want to run into the street. Usually, they just want to get a ball or some other toy that went into the street. Some children with autism need to be restrained when they run into the street, because they wiggle and thus can't be picked up safely, even as toddlers, and may continue that behavior into their school years, meaning eloping. I eloped because I saw a fan, and I was obsessed with fans, so I simply ran to the other side of the busy street I lived on, and wanted to retrieve it as my own.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive limits will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn and be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!