"Benign" deprivation: Why saying "no" to children "frequent and often" can be seen as child abuse

Many parents buy into the concept of "benign" deprivation. Most American parents make it a point to say "no" to most everything that a child wants. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. However, most American parents need an attitude adjustment on this issue. Saying "no" to children "frequent and often" is considered child abuse when it offends the child, which is pretty much always.

God's Law on child abuse is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. The key here to not abusing your child is to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just like hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. One thing that hurts a child's feelings is to say "no" to them "frequent and often". The idea behind avoiding offense in children is to avoid saying "no" to a child, or setting limits with them altogether, except when absolutely necessary for the safety of children and/or others. When children cannot accept limits not set out of anger, you need to give an informal apology for hurting your child's feelings with such limits, such as "I'm sorry, but I have to set X limits for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christians who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias porestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this commandment was ultimately received by the parish at Ephesus as prohibiting all forms of offenses stemming from entitlement as perceived by the child, at minimum. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway,  obeying God over men.

The Early Christians were hated largely for being too "soft" on their children. The Early Christians dd set limits with children, but only for safety concerns. A modern example of this is when children play ball inside, in which case the parent asks politely and gratefully for the game of ball to go outside. Children could be physically restrained in the Early Church, but only in the lightest of forms, and only for things such as running into oncoming traffic. Apart from that, children were left free reign. When children made messes, parents got a good laugh before picking up the mess. 

A common place of contention in conventional parenting today is the store. Most parents think that giving children what they want in the store leads to them wanting "more  more, and then some". However, the child is usually asking for something inexpensive such as a candy bar. Let them have it. In the Early Church, children usually wanted licorice from the candy stand, in which case the parent asked for the item, and then she paid for it before handing it back to the child to enjoy. You may find that children aren't asking for much. All they care about is that it comes from YOU.

The idea when offering things to your child is to avoid choice overload. For example, when at the restaurant, give them a list of items on the menu, and see what they choose. If they choose something entirely different, then go with that and scrap all of the other choices you gave them. Try to keep the list of items short, preferably limiting the number of options to 2. 

Christian parents in the Early Church did not order children around. Instead, they politely asked things of their children from the bottom of their heart, with the child usually trusting in parents enough for immediate compliance. The key to gaining the trust of children is to avoid punishing them, and also avoid offending them in any way, shape, or form. If you have punished or offended them before, you need to repent in front of your child, promising never to offend them ever again. See Matt. 22:35-40; 25:31-46.  

Children only need limits when they are acting in a dangerous manner. Children will form their own moral beliefs as they get older, with religion being a human need for children and adults alike. Most children will find God on their own, and will need minimal guidance when they ask questions about the context of what they are reading in the Bible. I myself do not want a child to be in lockstep with my values, necessarily. I want them to simply have a set of values, with them choosing the set of values that they want to live by. If a child chooses to have no values at all, that brings shame onto the parents of the child for child abuse, or else anyone else who spiritually abused the child enough for them to reject all religion. Usually, religious development starts at age 6 naturally, which is when Christian parents should leave out a Bible, and leave it open at the most reassuring verse you can find, such as the Beatitudes. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!