Defiance: Why punishing your child for defiance is child abuse

Many parents have been there. A child is acting defiant towards parents. This is a common scenario in parenting. Most parents punish their child for acting defiant towards parents. However, the fact of the matter is that punishing your child for defiance is child abuse. 

God's Law on child abuse is spelled out Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child, including for defiance. However, it is not enough to stop spanking your child, or even stop punishing your child altogether. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. One reason for children's feelings being hurt is that they cannot accept a set limit. One way children voice their displeasure for their parents' limits is through defiance. Usually, defiance in children comes in the form of forceful tears, with this defiance being due to children not being able to accept limits. The key to dealing with defiance is to be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your children's feelings with your limits. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, in the form of a half-apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you need to give a formal apology to children for hurting their feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as losing your cool with your child alone is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", including the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, including spanking or other forms of punishment of children. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. However, this commandment ultimately referred then to any offense perceived by a child. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men. 

Defiance in children is inevitable in parenting. Such behavior in children is normal for them. Christian parents in the Early Church knew more than parents today that when a child is being defiant, they simply cannot accept a limit. Parents then did not take defiance personally like parents today do. Instead, they simply apologized for having to set a limit.

Any parent anger directed towards children then was seen in the Early Church as entitlement. Most Christian parents in the Early Church did not ever get angry with their child. Instead, they were the type of parent to worry a lot. In most Christian households then, limits were set out of worry or concern, not anger towards a child.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!