Mutual respect: Why parents should earn their respect from children

Many parents think that they have the right to respect from children. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents demand respect from children. However, the fact of the matter is that parents are non-deserving of respect from children, and have to earn their respect from children.

Mutual respect is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission, with the burden of proof falling squarely onto parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to a refers to a secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to their children just as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See Matt. 22:35-40, 25:31-46. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

Respect for parents was a thing for children growing up in the Early Church. However, this respect came in the form of closeness to parents, not fear of parents. For the first 6 years of childhood, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did her child. For the first 2 years of childhood, children were constantly held by mothers, either in her loving arms, or on mom's back in a papoose bag when her hands were full. Between ages 2-6, children ranged next to mothers, following her from room to room, not letting mom out of their line of sight, morbidly fearing that mom would "go away and never come back". Whenever children cried, mothers cooed before picking up the child, and from there, she diagnosed the need and met that need. Maybe the child was tired. Maybe the child was hungry. Maybe the child needed mom's milk. Maybe the child needed mom, period. When children under age 6 were out and about in public with mothers, mom wrapped up the child next to her bosom in swaddling blankets, with the swaddling blankets - and the child with them - being tucked underneath the loose-fitting, revealing dress worn by mothers that resembled an apron. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers, in skin-on-skin sustaining warmth, with this skin-on-skin  co-sleeping setup happening every night, until the onset of puberty, which is when most children wanted their own place to sleep. Children went naked wherever they went, with mothers also going naked within the confines of the family home. This birth nudity setup allowed for rays of skin-on-skin closeness, with this skin-on-skin contact happening even when children were merely picked up.

Secure attachment is a biblical command. Secure attachment can be understood as allowing children a home base to run to for sustaining warmth, no matter how old they are. Younger children under age 6 needed constant closeness with mothers. Children past age 6 only needed that home base come nighttime, which is when the whole family slept in the same bed, naked. Children past age 6 got into wet and messy play, with mothers simply cleaning up the mess later when they got home.

Respect in parenting is something earned, instead of handed out for free on a silver platter. Parents are non-deserving of anything in relation to children. Not even respect. Not even affection. Not even forgiveness. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Children growing up in the Early Church were close to their parents, with that being the respect earned by parents. Ultimately, though, the sign of parents earning their keep is when children honor their parents by caring for parents as they age.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!