Child discipline: How to discipline your child (without punishment or force)

Many parents think that children need discipline. This would be true, except for the fact that most parents believe punishment is necessary for proper discipline. The fact of the matter is that there is a right way and a wrong way to discipline a child.

Child discipline is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in his original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers got out the scourge of cords in order to punish his children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were persecuted largely for being "too soft" on their children.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling and encouraging Christian discipline in children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with their children following suit. Children in biblical times were caught being good, as opposed to being caught being bad. Whenever children were caught showing good traits - such as taking turns, being patient, and showing self-control - they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise when caught being good by fathers, whereas girls were given a side-embrace when caught being good by fathers. Children also needed religious instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the instruction of the Lord. Parents started out by leaving an Aramaic copy of the Hebrew Bible for children to discover and explore. When children were caught by fathers reading the Bible, they were praised with phrases such as "that book is good for you". From that point on, religious instruction in the home came in question and answer format. Children were eager to learn the facts of life, and fathers gave pointers as to the context. 

Religious development is a normal part of child development. Starting at around age 6, children start to become curious about religion. A child's normal religious beliefs are simplistic and do not conform to any specific denomination. However, as children got older, they conformed more and more to a specific belief system. It may not be the beliefs you would choose, but at least they have values. Most children conform to a specific religious belief system by the time they turn 13.

What motivates a child to heed the instruction of fathers? Why not start with a secure attachment with mothers? For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. During the first 2 years, children were constantly held by mothers, either in mother's arms, or on mom's back in a papoose bag when her hands were full. When children were aged 2-6, children ranged next to mothers, following her from room to room, making sure mom was within his/her line of sight, with children being morbidly afraid of mothers "going away and never coming back". When mothers were out and about, they swaddled their children to their bosom in swaddling blankets. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. This co-sleeping, in most cases, ended when children reached the onset of puberty.

This abovementioned secure attachment with mother leads to a secondary secure attachment to fathers. Fathers kept their distance and were only there to praise and encourage good discipline in children. Otherwise, fathers had a sexual attachment to their children, and thus had to keep a good distance from his children. Both parents nurtured. But, mothers nurtured up close, whereas fathers nurtured from afar, with the fatherly nurturing being in a teaching format that praises and encourages good behavior. Motherly nurturing is instead more warm and sustaining, like a sponge or milking-cow.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!