Independence: Why healthy independence comes from healthy dependence

Many parents think that the goal of parenting is obedience. This is a common belief amongst American parents. However, isn't the goal of parenting instead independence? Indeed, most parents actually want their children to be as independent as possible. But, how do you get there? The idea is that healthy independence comes from healthy dependence.

The concept of healthy dependence is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children just as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women in the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers got out the scourge of cords in order to punish their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were largely persecuted for being "too soft" on their children.

Healthy independence comes from healthy dependence. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, meaning mother and child were quartered in the in the nude, in skin-on-skin format, in the family home. Children, for the first 2 years of childhood, were held constantly, either in mom's arms, or else in a papoose bag on her back if mom's hands were full. Children aged 2-6 ranged beside mothers, not allowing mothers out of their line of sight, even when mom was simply going to the next room. Whenever children cried, mothers cooed at the child before rushing in to pick up the child, then cradling the child in her loving arms. When mothers were out and about in public, they swaddled their children next to their bosom in swaddling blankets, tucked underneath her dress that resembled an apron. When swaddled children cried, mothers simply held the child closer to her bosom, while cooing at the child in the process. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format, with co-sleeping stopping once the child reached the onset of puberty, when children wanted a place of their own to sleep.

When children were around 6, they started to shake off the closeness with mothers. Children, around age 6, started to insist on doing things themselves. This started with children offering help with chores around the house. This led to more milestones in terms of independence, with the final assertion of independence being the end of co-sleeping. When children wanted to sleep on their own, that was the beginning of the end, with adulthood then nearing. 

Children sometimes do not assert their independence starting at age 6. Sometimes, it is later that children assert their independence. This may be a sign of autism spectrum disorder or another developmental disorder. Even with simple ADHD, there are developmental delays. But, "delays" implies that it is the autism or other developmental delays that are causing the child to be dependent beyond their years. They too will assert themselves, but give it time.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!