Passing down the faith: How to instruct your child in the Christian faith (without punishment or force)

Many parents get the concept of instructing their children in the Christian faith wrong. In most fundamentalist homes, children are punished in a very specific way - keep punishing them until "their will is broken". The fact of the matter is that children don't need punishment in order to learn good traits.

Passing down the faith starts with the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment ultimately comes from parent submission, meaning parents are to submit to their child as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating them as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christians who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children in his time. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers used the scourge of cords to punish their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were persecuted largely for being "too soft" on their children.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling and encouraging Christian discipline in children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in the footsteps of parents. Children, in biblical times, were caught being good, as opposed to being caught being bad. Whenever children were caught showing good traits - such as sharing, patience, or self-control - they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise from fathers when caught being good, whereas girls were given snuggles and physical affection from fathers when caught being good. Part of childhood in the Early Church was religious instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) refers to proper religious instruction. Fathers instructed their children by way of leaving out an Aramaic translation of the Hebrew Bible for the child to read and explore on their own. When children were caught exploring the Bible, they were given lavish praise and encouragement from their fathers. From there, children were eager to learn the facts of life. with fathers giving children pointers on the context.

Religious development is a field of child psychology that studies how children form their religious beliefs. Most children are capable of forming religious beliefs on their own accord. When children first study the Bible, they come to non-conforming religious beliefs. However, as children get older, they start to conform to a specific set of denominational beliefs. Children, in most cases, can see ahead and self-predict their own religious destiny. Most children reach conformity to a religious denomination by the age of around 13. A child, in most cases, needs a baptism once they show a change of heart. However, not all churches baptize early - Anabaptist churches require a child to wait until age 18 in order to join the church. I was baptized as a child - which I am grateful for - but I support for my children (once I have them) adult baptism.

What ultimately motivates passing down the faith? Children need a secure attachment with parents, primarily mothers, and secondarily fathers. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, with mother and child quartered in the nude next to each other, in the family home, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. Whenever a child cried, mothers cooed at their children, then picking them up and holding them close to their bosom, in skin-on-skin mammary closeness. Children were swaddled next to the bosom of mothers in swaddling blankets when out and about in public. Mothers breastfed whenever the child would latch on, and weaned the child when they pushed away the nipple. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to their mothers, with milk-dependent children being breastfed to sleep every night. Co-sleeping lasted until the onset of puberty, when children wanted their own place to sleep.

For the latter years of childhood, children were turned over to the providing custody of fathers for religious instruction. The hope of Christian fathers was that the child would stick to Christianity, as the Christian church then shunned the world. Children were only given, to start out with, a Hebrew Bible translated into Aramaic. As they learned, they asked for the more latter volumes of Scripture that were written to a Gentile audience. From there, children formed their religious destiny. Children usually at some point needed reassurance, namely when learning about the harsh realities of Hell and atonement. Children usually run into the teaching of limited atonement when they ask about Christ, in which case fathers should be comforting in teaching the "look around" method proposed by the Apostle Paul. Children are capable of, entirely on their own, keeping their own behavior in check just by looking around and correcting behaviors that they find immoral in their Bible. Children are more capable of looking around in their older and teen years, but can come to religious maturity at around age 13. 

The key to good religious instruction is peaceable religious instruction. Punishing a child in the context of a religious upbringing simply alienates the child from the faith. Children don't need a strict parent. They instead need a warm, loving parent that yet encourages strict attitudes in children. All a child needs is room to grow, and praise and encouragement to know that they are headed down the right path.. They may not be headed down your path, but they sure have a path of their own. If you made no mistakes before becoming a gentle parent, they should land where you are already.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!