Independence: How to teach your child to be as independent as possible

Many parents think that the goal of parenting is obedience. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents, however, overlook the real point of parenting - for children to be as independent as possible.

Healthy independence comes from healthy dependence. Healthy dependence is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.  

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word refers to, in this context, a secure attachment with parents, with a secure attachment being a commandment from God. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, meaning that parents are to submit to children as they would to God, from beneath yet from above.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offenses perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children in his time. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers used the scourge of cords in order to punish their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were persecuted largely for being "too soft" on their children.

Healthy independence starts with healthy dependence to mothers. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, were mother and child were quartered in the nude next to each other, in the family home, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. Whenever a child cried, mothers cooed before picking up and holding the child, in skin-on-skin mammary closeness. When out and about, children were swaddled next to the bosom of mothers in swaddling blankets made of velvet, which was grown throughout the Ancient Middle East. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format, with children shaking off the nighttime closeness come the onset of puberty, which was when they wanted their own place to sleep. 

Constant closeness in the formative years of a child's life helps children gain the resiliency skills to insist on independence. This insistence on independence started when the child turned age 6, and then shook off the warmth and closeness of mothers, seeking to both play and study the Bible on their own. Children, when they weren't studying the Bible, were playing freely outside. Children had to check in with mom before leaving the house, but they usually were allowed to. However, children always went to the sustaining warmth of mothers come nighttime. Co-sleeping was the last comfort that children gave up before becoming an adult.

When children strove to be independent then, it was obvious. They shook off the constant warmth and sustenance of mothers, and then insisted on separateness between themselves and their mothers. The age that his happens, then and now, in attachment parenting homes is age 13. It was not a gradual path of independence, as much as a sudden push to shake off parents. The independence was seen as reward for the righteous servitude of parents.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!