Thanksgiving is approaching: How to teach your child gratitude (without punishment or force)

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. Most people stuff themselves with turkey, and miss the meaning of the holiday. Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks to everything you have. Gratitude is a good lesson to teach children, but most American parents get wrong how, in fact, gratitude should be imparted. Gratitude is to be taught in a specific way, namely through example and encouragement, not punishment or force.

Gratitude is taught using the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Parents are the enemy of children, just as mankind is the enemy of God, and are to submit as such. This surrender to parents came with strings attached on the part of parents, with children issuing righteous demands to parents, usually when parents weren't pulling their weight around the family home.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul. and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or controlling demeanor towards children, In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical timed as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women in the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children in his time. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers used the scourge of cords on their children as punishment, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were usually hated for being "too soft" on their children.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling and encouraging Christian discipline in children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in the footsteps. Children, in biblical times, were caught being good, as opposed to being caught being bad. Whenever a child was caught emulating the disciplined example of parents were given lavish praise and encouragement to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise by fathers when caught being good, whereas girls were given snuggles and physical affection by fathers when caught being good. Sometimes, children needed direct instruction from parents. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the advice and counsel of parents, meaning all parents can do is give advice when needed, or else counsel their children when upset. Otherwise, children had divine authority over their parents, with parents submitting to children as they would to God.

Gratitude is the core of the message of thanksgiving. Children, therefore, should be taught how to be grateful for everything. This requires a thankful example imparted by parents, with parents first taking up the attitude that they are deserving of absolutely nothing due to having a sinful nature. Then, once accepting reality, you will likely look around, and be grateful for whatever you have. Children will notice you taking up that attitude, and when they say "thank you", praise them on saying "thank you", perhaps by saying "good use of manners there" or "good work being polite". Good manners in children starts with grateful children. True gratitude isn't an effusive moment that you have now and then when receiving something, but a calm demeanor that you take everywhere, centered in the here and now. And then, children copy that centered mindset, and when children are caught on their own using their manners, they can be praised for such.

What motivates children to follow the example of fathers. Children first need a nurturing mother, and to have a secure attachment with their mother, which translates to how they will relate to their father. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the child went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, where mother and child were quartered in the nude next to each other in the family home. Whenever children cried or were upset, mothers cooed at the child before picking them up, then holding them next to her bosom in skin-on-skin mammary closeness. When mothers were out and about, children were swaddled next to the bosom of mothers in swaddling blankets, with crying children being held closer to the bosom of mothers in swaddling blankets. Children were breastfed - in most cases - until age 3, but sometimes not until age 6 or even older. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers, and continued to co-sleep next to mothers until the onset of puberty, which was when children wanted a place to sleep of their own.

Thanksgiving is not a secular holiday, but a Judeo-Christian holiday meant for us Christians in this country to give thanks to whatever we have. Young children, however, are too self-centered to give thanks like an adult believer can. However, children are capable of learning how to show gratitude by being praised for the little things that count, such as using proper manners, and grateful poses such as having hands tied behind their back. Usually, in late childhood, children develop the same frame of mind as their parents. Punishment creates distance from a parent's example, and thus children don't internalize as much. 

Help children know the route to gratitude by showing gratitude whenever possible when children are watching - and they are watching your every behavior, inch by inch. Always say "please" and "thank you" around your child, and when they copy your example in that regard, always show your appreciation for their good manners. Whenever a child shows gratitude, they will have good manners, as good manners is a sign of gratitude. Whenever you say "please" or "thank you", you are being thankful.

Children can learn gratitude almost entirely on their own. All they need is an example that gives thanks for everything, and then they will absorb the grateful example of parents at their own pace. Children will not get the grateful example of parents at their own pace, but they will develop the grateful example of parents entirely as they go along. When they show signs of gratitude, praise and encourage them for their gratitude and thanksgiving.

Children are not going to get the message of thanksgiving if they are punished. Child punishment alienates children from learning from the example of parents. Children instead need a secure attachment that imparts a grateful example. Children, from there, can internalize everything about gratitude down to the depravity-based self-talk. Children learn to talk to themselves the same way you talk to yourself.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!