Independence: Why the goal of parenting should be independence (not obedience)

Many parents think that the goal of parenting is to get children to be obedient. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents want their children to comply, and a big part of parenting in many homes is getting children to comply. The fact of the matter is that children instead need to be taught to be independent and self-reliant, as parents won't be around forever. The first step to healthy independence is healthy dependence. 

Healthy dependence is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers are to rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul to lift up the customary law that commands a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments, reprimands, or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child.

Children in biblical times were not expected to obey parents and other adults. Children were instead encouraged to be independent, meaning parents wanted their children to grow up to be as independent as possible from parents. In order for this to occur, parents then knew that children needed a period of healthy dependence on parents. The more dependent a child was on their mother at a young age, the more independent they would become at an older age. 

For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness with mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. Mother and child were in a state of birth nudity, with mother and child being in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. This birth nudity setup brought out raw separation anxiety in children, where children were deathly afraid of mothers "going away and never coming back". Mothers accommodated the cries of separation anxiety in children by reassuring children, in so many words, that "I am here, and I'm not going anywhere". Mothers cooed when children cried in order to validate the cries of children, and make sure children knew that they were heard.

Children, after turning age 6, started to assert their independence quite a bit more, insisting on doing things themselves, offering to help out when parents are doing chores around the house. Children in biblical times played freely, venturing farther and farther from home. Children, during this time, asserted themselves to their parents by ordering them around. Parents obeyed the orders of children, struck with reverent fear and terror. Parents rarely said "no" to the righteous demands of children, and when they did, they comforted and reassured any upset in children. 

Children become independent from parents earlier when allowed healthy dependence to parents. This means mothers should nurture their children up close, in a sustaining way, when children are under age 6. This puts the gasoline in the tank for your child's roadtrip to becoming independent. This charges up the child to reverently rebel against parents, and assert their independence later. Chances are, if you follow the Christian attachment parenting route I delineate here, your children should be ready for the real world by the teenage years. That is why the age of majority was 13 in the Early Church - children were developmentally ready to take on adulthood responsibilities by then. 

Punishments and reprimands are forced dependence. They stunt the development of children, and make them dependent on parents longer. They force children into structure that may not be there when they are older. It's nice to have a quiet and obedient child for parents, but parents aren't going to be around forever. Children need to learn to step up to the plate and assert their independence. Healthy dependence during the formative years sets this all in motion. When you punish or reprimand a child, you make them dependent on that kind of treatment, and then they can't do things on their own. That's why today's generation is living with their parents - they didn't get the healthy dependence that they needed at an early age. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's  Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!