Discipline and limit setting in Christian homes: How to set limits with children (without punishment or force)

Many parents think that discipline is something imposed upon a child. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents think that imposed discipline, meaning punishment and reprimands, is how you discipline a child. Children in the Bible were sure disciplined, but not using punishments or reprimands. 

True discipline is imparted as a part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children. obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long upon the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: bur bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul to lift up the customary law that commands a secure attachment between parents and children within the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, with parents submitting to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished tbeir children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church at Ephesus. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings. 

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, as modeling Christian discipline for children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in their footsteps. Parents in biblical times caught children being good, instead of catching them being bad. When children emulated the disciplined example of children - such as by showing self-control or giving up something they really wanted - they were lavishly praised and encouraged by fathers to "keep going down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise when caught being good, and girls were given physical affection such as hugs and snuggling when caught being good. Otherwise, children were given free reign in late childhood, and were held close in sustaining intimacy in their formative years. Sometimes, children needed direct parental instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the advice and counsel of parents. "Advice and counsel" refers to advice from parents, or pleading from parents to do a favor for them. Parents were prohibited under the Law from issuing lawfully binding orders on their children, and so they could only give advice or else plead to their children.

It is a myth that discipline is something that is imposed on children through punishments or reprimands. Children do not learn through pain and aversive conditions. Children can mature entirely on their own, albeit guided by the Christian example of parents. Children, if allowed to, will absorb the disciplined example of parents at their own pace. Children will not grasp discipline right away, but they will eventually. Most childish and immature behavior is developmentally appropriate, and comes in the form of a stage that the child is going through. When childhood behaviors persist, autism or a related disorder may be to blame, not the child. 

How is a child motivated to learn discipline? Learning discipline is motivated by a secure attachment. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, meaning both mother and child were in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin fashion. When children cried, mothers cooed, with the cooing of mothers being intended to both validate and reassure crying and upset, meaning cooing made children feel heard. When mothers were out and about in public, children were swaddled next to the bosom of mothers in swaddling blankets, perhaps breastfeeding them in public if summoned to by their child. This sustaining warmth prepared children for following the disciplined example of fathers. Children past age 6 were very much disciplined and chastened up. Sometimes, fathers caught their children studying the Bible, and then they lavishly praised and encouraged the biblical self-study of children.

Children learned limits in biblical times by watching how their parents behaved, not by experiencing punishments or reprimands. When parents took up the Christian attitude that they were deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore were to be grateful for everything, they modeled that disciplined and chastened up attitude to their children. 

Punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children was prohibited under Early Christian church ordinance. Anything that offends or damages a child, coming from entitlement, is considered child abuse by the biblical standard. When a parent punished or reprimanded their child, and it was witnessed, the eyewitness rebuked the parent offender. When a parent offender was rebuked by enough parishioners, they went before a council of 3 elders, who excommunicated them if they did not repent and agree to turn away from offending their child. In the Old Testament, the rod of correction was only used on young adults when they committed clear elder abuse, and was only used a handful of times. The rod verses in Proverbs and Hebrews refer to the 40 minus 1 lashes, which were administered in a courtroom setting - only judicial corporal punishment existed in biblical times, and only before Christ. Punishing a minor child was always unlawful under the Old Testament law.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!