"Benign" deprivation: Why children need ALL of their needs met

Many parents buy into a form of authoritative parenting known as "benign" deprivation. The false parenting doctrine of "benign" deprivation instructs parents to ignore certain needs in order for the parent to focus on "real needs". The fact of the matter is that children have needs, and all of those needs need to be met. 

The parenting doctrine of "benign" deprivation is in violation of Christian law. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul to lift up the customary law that commands a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to their children, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

"Benign" deprivation would have been seen in biblical times as coldness and callousness on the part of a mother. Mothers, in biblical times, met the every vulnerable need of their children. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, with mother and child in the nude, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. This birth nudity setup brought out raw separation anxiety in children, where children were morbidly afraid of mothers "going away and never coming back". Christian mothers in the Early Church accommodated that separation anxiety by cooing towards their children, with the cooing being designed by nature to validate and reassure a child's upset. Mothers also held their crying children close to their bosom in mammary closeness. 

A child does not cry in order to manipulate or undermine parents. Most crying in young children under age 6 is due to separation anxiety. When your 4-year-old cries out of nowhere, know that they are advocating a vulnerable need. Chances are, they are afraid for your life, without realizing that they feared your death as their parent caregiver. 

Mothers in the Early Christian church communities responded to the EVERY cry of children, without exception. Children cried a lot during their formative years, but mom was right there to respond to the every cry of their child. Mothers then knew intuitively what many parents don't know today - that the every cry of a child is intended to petition for a need. So, they diagnosed the need based on the type of cry, and provided for the child's needs promptly. Most children under age 6 cry for attention, and needed attention in order to reassure their separation anxiety about their mother. 

The core of "benign" deprivation is the word "no". Most parents who defend "benign" deprivation say "no" all of the time, because of the false belief that children need to hear the word "no", and "hear it frequently". In the Early Church, the word "no" could only be used on a child for reasons of the order of the child being unlawful or unworkable, and parents needed to reassure and validate their children if the word "no" brought the child to tears. Parents in the Early Church were subject to the divine custody of children, with children being an eminent authority in the lives of parents. Saying "no" unnecessarily was deemed as a provocation to anger against children, thus abuse, thus sin. 

Whenever I would throw a temper tantrum with my mother as a child, she would sit me in time-out and ignore my needs. My father was worse, and gave me a disciplinary spanking after being given time-out in my room. As a child, I felt cornered and kept down. Most abusers of children are not "offending" abusers, but "keep down" abusers, and they keep down their children. My parent abusers could appear kind and polite to everyone else, but chose to punish and be controlling with me when they got home. They were both therapists when they met, and became teachers eventually. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!